By realizing the reality of our Prince within us, we are never bothered again by the fact that we do not understand ourselves, or that other people do not understand us. The only One who truly understands me is the One who made me and who redeems me...It is a tremendous freedom to get rid of every kind of self-consideration and learn to care about only one thing -- the relationship between our Prince and ourselves.
-Oswald Chambers

2012 - new blog

I realized I have left this blog out in the boonies. Extreme neglect. I feel funny when I read (some of) these posts, not to mention other posts from my teenagedom and other years, me going on and on about my latest whims. Writing is always cathartic, even if it is self-absorbed. But I'm trying to steer clear of that and feel that I'm on a new path. It's funny though, I can see myself in these posts wriggling in my skin and being led toward something beautiful.
For anyone interested, I have a new blog called myheartsoverflow.wordpress.com that is less "diary"/stream of consciousness and more thoughts on the/my Christian walk. Epiphanies from Heaven. (why didn't I name it that??!) This comes after having an amazing 2011, finding myself in the Lord again and rededicating my life to Him, no more wavering and putting my own desires first. I have learned so much and I love to share what He has taught me. Please check it out!

And my poetry blog continues to be flowerspickthemselves.wordpress.com.

I'm sure I will find myself here again because I do like this blog for personal ramblings/goings on.

Love, Rhonnie

let go and let God

I'm having really big issues with

• not letting go of worries and fears



• not putting it in God's hands



• not taking it one day at a time



• feeling sorry for myself / thinking [insert anyone here] has it soooOooo much better
  

instead of feeling BLESSED to have what I have.
I can get so wrapped up in myself it's not even funny!
New goal: enjoy and be grateful for every day, regardless of circumstance, dangit!

recent thoughts

I love having an iPod again :)

Swimming tonight with Maia, Sarah, and Sandrea was the highlight of my year. Adults need underwater tea parties and cannonballs too!

I need to get out of my head & just live my flippin' life! What am I doing?! I have so much to give. It's not that I'm so concerned with how I feel all the time, and my emotions. I'm concerned with being able to focus on what I want and what God wants for me. What I want is to focus, & give my worries & fears to Him. I just have issues I can't get rid of.

I know it sounds weird, but, I have this crazy gift/curse of being able to read people really REALLY well. My family has it too. It's awful. I am really in tune with what people are thinking, the mood they may be in, if they are acting strangely toward me. It makes it really difficult to meet new people. It's like this ultra-sensitivity toward the energy that people give off (I sound like Oprah). Sometimes I like it, because I feel like I can be a good listener for people, and I really get a good feel for people pretty early on. But other times it is just exhausting, and leaves me obsessing over what I may have done wrong, how I may have come across, if I was acting weird. Gosh. I sound like a nutjob. Pair that with the incessant worrying and anxiety, sometimes it is paralyzing. Then I spend time thinking about what I want to do with my life, the dreams and goals I have, the steps I should be taking in my life, but it all gets jumbled in my head and I end up standing still. This is NOT what God has planned for me. And I don't know why but sometimes it gets worse when I know it should be getting better.

I know it's not right to be concerned with self esteem and spending time building yourself up, and I DON'T want to do that, but I feel like if I was more confident and able to be myself, to stop thinking so much and obsessing over stupid things, I could live to my full potential and accomplish what I know I can do. I feel like by now, well out of my teenage years, I shouldn't have so many thoughts about how other people are better than me, more capable, have it easier, are doing things that I could never do, etc. I don't want to be Miss Overconfident, thinking I'm amazing and can do anything through my own efforts- just simply comfortable in my own skin so that I can spend that time and energy on other things. It's something I need to continue to pray about. I think the main thing (that I already know) is that when I begin devoting more of my life to others, I will have less time to obsess over my insecurities. I think that's the main point here, that I am already aware of but I continue to make the same mistakes.

It will all work out. I know times have been hard lately for a lot of people, I feel like something's gotta give. I need to talk to God and truly figure out where He wants me to be, because something isn't right about where I am right now. I know I'm impatient, but there's so much more I want to be doing. I just have this gnawing feeling that I need to give up my silly day to day nonsense & really find my life by losing it.

Sleep times.

Come close, listen to the story...

...about a love more faithful than the morning.
The Father gave his only Son just to save us.
The Earth was shaking in the dark, all creation felt the Father's broken heart, tears were filling Heaven's eyes, the day that true love died."

lose your life, just so you can find it.

quoted from Dietrich Bonhoeffer

"Once again, things went hominum confusione et dei providentia

(according to man's confusion and God's providence)."


Pshhh. Amen to that. <3

a loss

I just found out horrible news that an old coworker of mine has passed away. It's hard to describe how I feel right now. It's difficult because we had a rocky relationship, but I'm so happy to know that we left on really good terms.

Charles was an old hippie, he was spunky, stubborn, eccentric, hilarious, opinionated, he pushed people's buttons, he cursed like a sailor, he was knowledgable about so much, he had a harsh exterior sometimes. We disagreed on nearly everything, and at times we had some tiffs...he had a complicated relationship with a lot of people. (He was well aware of it). But just when you least expected it, he was sweet, caring, and kind. And he lit up when he talked about his grandkids.

The last time I saw Charles was the day I got laid off, March of '10. He was coming in for his shift, he had a banana of course, because he was always eating one. Or drinking a coffee milkshake from the cafe. He clocked in and I had my box of things, walking toward the door. I told him I was laid off, and he was shocked. His reaction has always stuck with me, because he was genuinely upset, and said, "Rhonnie! I feel like I'm going to cry!" And then of course was angry, and cursed out the idiots at corporate. And he said he would miss working with me.
I'm so glad I have the memory of telling him how great it was working with him, thanking him for being so sweet about my being let go, and letting him know that I'd miss him. I really did know that I would miss him, he being such a crazy character.

I know the next time I go into that bookstore I'm going to expect him to be there, with a huge stack of magazines, shuffling to the section.
Charles touched people's lives, whether he was making people laugh or helping them find a book or talking about the famous authors he's met, he's left a mark with a lot of people.
I pray for his family and friends and those who knew him.
RIP Charles! You'll be missed by many!