Miles for Melanoma

Yesterday was the Miles for Melanoma 5k race in Fullerton. I've never done a race before, it wasn't a big marathon or anything, but it was really cool! I couldn't sleep the night before, though, I think I finally fell asleep after 2AM and had to wake up at around 5:30AM to get there to register. The race started at 8AM. The trail was really rocky and uneven, with SO many inclines. I'm not used to running on anything unpaved, and now I'm really sore. I finished in 38 minutes ;) About 12 minutes a mile. Yeah..that sounds about right. That is exactly where I was in High School. Ha! I'm not a natural runner at all, it kills me. I'm not even a natural jogger! But I force myself to do it because of the feeling afterward. It's amazing how accomplishing something so small makes you feel so good!
Most importantly, it benefits and brings attention to Melanoma, a cancer that gets so little funding for research. It was really great to be a part of, and I know it meant a lot to the survivors that participated.
There were free skin checks and the doctor was a funny older Asian man. He pointed out how the tops of my arms were tan and the white "lizard's belly" of my wrist and forearm is my natural skin color. "Look! This is so beautiful! See, you have pale skin and pale eyes, like Scandinavian, and your face..you should embrace this color!"
The sun is so tempting...but he's right. Sigh.

The End of Lost is tonight. I can't think about anything else! :/

Lovely Women

"And one gathers from this enormous modern literature of confession and self–analysis that to write a work of genius is almost always a feat of prodigious difficulty. Everything is against the likelihood that it will come from the writer's mind whole and entire. Generally material circumstances are against it. Dogs will bark; people will interrupt; money must be made; health will break down. Further, accentuating all these difficulties and making them harder to bear is the world's notorious indifference. It does not ask people to write poems and novels and histories; it does not need them. It does not care whether Flaubert finds the right word or whether Carlyle scrupulously verifies this or that fact. Naturally, it will not pay for what it does not want. And so the writer, Keats, Flaubert, Carlyle, suffers, especially in the creative years of youth, every form of distraction and discouragement. A curse, a cry of agony, rises from those books of analysis and confession. 'Mighty poets in their misery dead'—that is the burden of their song. if anything comes through in spite of all this, it is a miracle, and probably no book is born entire and uncrippled as it was conceived..."
-Virginia Woolf from A Room of One's Own

"I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited."
-Sylvia Plath

A Dream I Had

Me and Francis are on a drive. He is taking me somewhere for the weekend. He drives a long way, I'm not sure where we're going, and I think I'm sleeping most of the way. He brought our friend's dog for some reason, it doesn't really occur to me until later that it was a stupid decision. He packed me a very small bag; I opened it to find a couple sweaters that I never wear anymore.

We finally get to this beautiful inn over a big beautiful river. He goes inside to make the arrangements and I stay outside looking around. There are people everywhere, it's sort of a carnival. There's this crazy contraption in the middle of a field that a woman is inside of, it's some kind of ride. It looks like a cage but it's swinging her around in the air in all directions. It seems very dangerous, and at the end the cage turns into a big Jonah's whale, and she exits it. To the left is a beautiful view of a huge European looking bridge over more water.

I strike up a conversation with a woman to the right of me, she sees the book I'm holding and says that she thinks it's really good. She travels on down the road, she says she's off somewhere with her husband. I go back inside, the hallway is very small. There is a small dining room where a man is talking with two Middle-Eastern men with big black beards and turbans. It seems to be their hotel room, or part of a restaurant, but there isn't a window between us, it's a thin veil-like screen. They don't really notice me or anyone else, they're just talking to each other.

I'm off to the bathroom. Then i'm sitting in there for what seems like forever. Suddenly, I can't get up, I'm so dizzy and disoriented. I hear my Dad's voice from outside the door. I hear myself say, "What are you doing here?" I stumble out toward the bathroom door and see him, we're in his house. I feel so strange. I look in the mirror and my eyes are large green spots, no pupils. I'm trying to explain to him that there's something wrong with me. "Look, I have no pupils!" But he's going from room to room, unalarmed. Then he says, "Oh, you're just too good." I knew he meant good-natured, silly and naive. Then I woke up.

Lost Live: The Final Celebration

I still can't quite comprehend how last night happened. Like many great turns of events, it was like a staircase of a bunch of wonderful, "I'm pinching myself" moments and then before you know it you're at a Lost after-party, mingling with some of the actors and crew. With an open bar! But like Francis said.."Who CARES about the bar!!?"

It all started with a show that sold out in ten minutes. Francis was really interested in going to Lost Live: The Final Celebration at UCLA's Royce Hall. After the Lost Paleyfest panel a couple months ago, I was feeling pretty satisfied without spending a bunch more money. At Paleyfest, Francis had had Terry O'Quinn(Locke) sign his book, and we had seen Michael Emerson(Ben), Terry O'Quinn(Locke), Nestor Carbonell(Richard), Zuleikha Robinson(Ilana), Damon Lindelof, Carlton Cuse, the other writers and producers up there discussing the show. It was really really cool. So when this event came up, I knew it would be a lot more expensive, not to mention exclusive. Hence the selling out in ten minutes. After a lot of back and forth, Francis bought tickets on eBay.

The event was focused around Michael Giacchino, the Oscar-winning composer of the AMAZING music during Lost. The scenes that stand out are the emotional raft scene and the Oceanic 6 theme. The event would have the live music of Lost and Jorge Garcia(Hurley), Michael Emerson(Ben), and Nestor Carbonell(Richard). Then they would screen the episode before the finale, the "Penultimate Episode" (I didn't know that term existed.)

After three freeways of horrendous traffic, we finally made it to the UCLA campus. We parked really far away and had to walk a long way before making it to Royce Hall at around 7PM. The theater was gorgeous and even though our seats were technically the worst seats in the place, there wasn't really a bad view in there. And from our balcony, we could look down on the floor seats and gaze at the rich and semi-famous. I spotted Aziz Ansari sitting there, and Francis found the Dell guy. (DUDE! You're getting a Dell!) Samm Levine was there, from Freaks and Geeks and Inglourious Basterds.

The event began with some ABC execs introducing Damon and Carlton. They talked for a little bit, thanked everyone from ABC to J.J. Abrams to the fans and then began bringing out the people who made Lost what it is. The actors! Little did we know, more than just Michael, Jorge, and Nestor were there. There were markers on the stage for a whole gaggle of 'em. First was
Sterling Beaumon (young Ben).
Kim Dickens (Cassidy Phillips, Sawyer's baby mama).
Daniel Roebuck (Leslie Arzt!),
Lance Reddick (Abaddon, the creepy guy that pushes Locke in the wheelchair, etc.)
L. Scott Caldwell (Rose),
William Mapother (Ethan),
Titus Welliver (Man in Black),
Francois Chau (Dr. Chang),
Ian Somerhalder (Boone),
Rebecca Mader (Charlotte),
Jeremy Davies (Daniel Faraday!),
Sonya Walger (Penny!),
Henry Ian Cusick (Desmond!!),
Malcolm David Kelley (Walt),
Harold Perrineau (Michael),
Jorge Garcia (Hurley),
Daniel Dae Kim (Jin!),
Nestor Carbonell (Richard!),
Michael Emerson (Ben),
Josh Holloway (Sawyer).
It was so crazy seeing them all up there! Then they took their seats down in front and they were right below us. Their photos were on pieces of paper on the chairs they were to sit in.

Michael Giacchino came out next with the musicians. They played seven pieces and in between, a couple of the actors read letters. They were written by the writers and were meant to be from other people on the island that weren't showcased; other people writing to their loved ones from the stranded island when they first landed. "Messages in a bottle." They were really beautiful and dramatic. And while the music played, they showed stills from Lost on the big screen. It was so beautiful hearing that music live. The seven pieces were: LOST Main Theme, Hollywood and Vines, Oceanic 6, The Temple of Boom, Life and Death, The Tangled Web, and Parting Words. Many of the musicians have been playing the music for all six years and there were other musicians alongside them who are from the Colburn School of Performing Arts in Los Angeles.

As we were sitting there, teary-eyed from the beautiful music, I felt really blessed to be able to experience something like this live. I know a lot of people in the world aren't even able to see live concerts, much less from an Oscar-winning composer in a beautiful hall in Los Angeles. I thank God for the amazing experiences he gives us, every day. And thanks go to Francis for buying the tickets. :) Nearing the end of the musical performance, I could hear a woman behind us who was literally in tears. It was emotional. Then, after he spoke a few words, they played a piece from Up, which is what he won his Oscar for. That was one of my favorite parts of the evening. They were extremely strict about not bringing in any cell phones or cameras, and it makes sense why. The Penultimate Episode was next. This is the episode that will be airing next Tuesday. I still can't believe we actually watched a new episode of Lost in its entirety with the actors and creators of the show, on a big screen.

After the event, outside, there were workers dressed like Dharma Initiatives handing out vitamin water that instead were labeled "Dharma Water." We exited in the back of the hall so we began walking to the left so that we could make it around to the front of the building. The whole night had blown us away. As we were walking on this upper-level walkway bridge, we came across the side of the building where we could see a HUGE gorgeous patio. There were big banners hung up that said ABC LOST, a DJ with dance music, lights everywhere, outside heaters, and tons of people wearing leis with drinks. We were on a walkway across the parking lot, but we were still close to eye-level and had a prime spot to see the Lost after-party! (Who knew they were having one?) So we just stood there, leaning against the brick walkway, watching everyone party. We still didn't have our cameras or cell phones and were too far away to get them, so we just stood there and watched. We couldn't see very well, but once in awhile people would come to the edge of their balcony and we'd try to make out if it was anyone. William Mapother (Ethan) and some woman were looking out at us, we waved at him and he waved back. Then, Rebecca Mader (Charlotte) was there with a couple guys. Sure, we felt a little stupid, but I didn't care. Why shouldn't we stand there and stare?

On the ground to our left, we could also see the doorway that the actors were leaving the party from and getting into their cars. They had a little awning set up where about four big security guards were there for them when they were ready to leave. We watched Sonya Walger (Penny) leave with her date, and a few others of the characters like Rose and Ethan and Arzt. Titus Welliver (MIB) came out and went to a crowd of fans down at the end of the parking lot and signed things for fans down there. We were up top and had a really good view of the party's balcony, so I didn't want to leave that spot. But then Jorge Garcia (Hurley) came out with his girlfriend (Bethany AKA Sidekick22..they do blogs and podcasts together.) Jorge went down to the fans and signed for the whole row of them. So we ran down the flights of stairs and joined the end of the line and shook his hand as he went down the row. He looked pretty exhausted and his girlfriend was waiting in the car. They seemed really nice and it was cool of them to do that for their fans. Titus signed for about half the line of people and he left. Then we ran back up to our spot by the party. We were the only ones that were standing there, most everyone else was down by the parking lot, hoping to get autographs.

Then we saw Josh Holloway (Sawyer) come down to leave. I am not a huge Sawyer fan, but I have to admit, it is crazy to see him in person. He has the whitest teeth and is really tan and definitely brings the star-struck. When he came down to where the security guards were, he was met with the screaming of the fans waiting across the parking lot. He then walked back up the stairs into this garage waiting area so that they could get his car ready. The opening to the garage is smack-dab across from where we were standing up there on the walkway. The fans across the way couldn't see in, but since we were up so high and the loading dock gate was lifted, we had the only view. He clearly thought that nobody could see him and that he was safe to just stand there and wait. So then Francis yells out "JOSH!" He sorta jumped and looked up at us, smiled and waved, and then snuck back around the corner. We were freaking out, we got our own personal waves from Sawyer! It was hilarious and amazing.

I don't even know how long we stood in that spot watching the party. Since we didn't have our cell phones we didn't even know what time it was. But I didn't want to leave and kept telling Francis that we should just keep standing there. I kept joking about how since we couldn't be up there, we should just have our own party. They provided the DJ, and we were there pretending. Eventually, someone would see that we had been standing there all night, and they would pity us and let us in. Wow. I can't believe how right I'd been!

We stood there watching and a guy came by and stood next to us. A lot of people had been walking by with leis so we knew that had been to the party, but we didn't know who they were. They probably could have been friends of the musicians or somehow affiliated with ABC. The guy asked us if we had been up there or if we were just watching. I said, "Oh, no. We've just been pretending." So he takes his lei off and puts it around my neck and says something like "Well, here. You can have a lei too." I thanked him and he left and this older couple comes up, they have leis on too and she says something like "You know, we have this one wristband here. You can get up there with this. We just have the one, though, because he can't get his off!" The man was standing there trying so hard to get his wristband off for us. We were like, "Are you serious??" And she said "Yeah, and since you have the lei you just walk right through past the guys and they'll wave you in with the wristbands. They won't even notice, trust me." The man said, "There's an open bar!" as he stood there for a good couple minutes, struggling to get his band off. And finally he did! Francis and I were in a state of shock and not even sure if it would work, but we couldn't believe it was actually happening. Whoever that couple was, we are so grateful to them. I wish we knew so that we could thank them!

So we started walking up toward the entrance, trying to act nonchalant. Since I had the lei, we were dressed up, and we had the wristbands, nobody even looked twice at us. After getting the courage we finally opened the doors and waltzed past the little security table. That's when it really hit me that we were going to be mingling with some of the actors from Lost! This huge suite/room was gorgeous, with the open bar and round tables around with candles lit. The outside balcony had a gorgeous view and space heaters and the DJ was still out there. I noticed Henry Ian Cusick (Desmond) right away, he was right near the entrance hallway. He was with his wife and talking to some people. We got up the nerve to introduce ourselves and shake his hand! He was super nice and he said "Nice to meet you Clonnie." LOL. I don't care what he calls me! So we went mingling around the room some more. Daniel Dae Kim (Jin) was there with his wife, Nestor Carbonell (Richard), Michael Emerson (Ben), Carlton and Damon were all chatting with people. Then we got courage to introduce ourselves to Jeremy Davies (Daniel Faraday) and he was so cool! We actually had a conversation with him about his bobble head. I can't believe we chatted with Faraday (AKA Timothy Upham from Saving Private Ryan). Paul Scheer, comedian was there. Also, Martin Starr from Freaks and Geeks and Knocked up was standing right next to me.

For most of the party we were just standing there against the wall, only feet away from these people who we are so in awe of. It was incredible. We were trying not to stare and act too obsessed but it was really hard to try and act natural. When me and Francis were leaning against the wall, the FUNNIEST thing happened that probably made my night more than anything. It sounds really dorky but I swear it happened. I was standing to the left of the bar and Francis was next to me on my left. We were talking about something and I looked over to see Henry Ian Cusick walking by us, away from the bar. I caught him RIGHT in the middle of him checking me out! No joke, he was doing the up and down walk-by checkout. After he walked by I turned to Francis and said, "DID that seriously just happen right now???" And he saw it too and was like, "WOW. It did." Haha! It was completely mindless and unconscious but I'll never forget that. Desmond checked me out.

Then, Emilie de Ravin (Claire) shows up! She wasn't at the event but came to the party, she was dressed really casual with a cute black knit beanie. She is so tiny in person, I couldn't believe it. She had these huge heels on and still probably was only 5'4. I figured since she seemed really low key maybe she didn't want to be bothered, but Francis encouraged me to meet her. We introduced ourselves and shook her hand, she was so sweet. I'm so glad we did, she has been one of my favorite characters from Season One.

After the party had died down a little bit and we had met everyone, we left. And I am still in disbelief that we experienced that. To all my friends that love Lost too..I wish you could have been there with us. Even this aricle article called the afterparty "top-secret." I don't think there was even any media there to capture it. And since we weren't able to have cells or cameras for the event and we were parked miles away, we couldn't take any photos either :(. I really wish we had, but we couldn't do anything about it. I just can't believe it happened. And it's all because those two amazing people gave us their wristbands! ANGELS!! :D And because we stood out for hours in the cold, wishing we could be up there.

www.thewrap.com/ind-column/abcs-lost-live-final-celebration-17373

Changes

I think I'm going to change the direction of this blog. It has little direction anyway, since I haven't written in it in months, but I just don't want there to be any "rules" attached to it anymore. I wanted to review books, and I still will, but I want also for this to be my primary blog. That said, help! Am I technology illiterate? I can't seem to really grasp the layout of this website. I guess I've been spoiled with LiveJournal in the past. The way my blog looks stinks, big-time. I need some life up in here. I hope I can poke around and figure some of this stuff out. I want to be blog savvy.

Today, after much frustration, I finally signed up for classes for summer. I'm really excited to get going, to be investing in my future again. The status quo wasn't cutting it. The status quo being me working at a dead end job and hating every minute of it. I'm glad about it though. I'll never have any doubts that I can put up with the worse stuff there is, be a hard worker through and through. I've proved that I can work my way up, I'm almost 22 now and I am excited to get going with what I really want to do. Whatever that is!

I just wish I could read for a living. Isn't there someone out there who would pay me to just read? I can be a fiction book editor. Or I would love to be a book reviewer. Would I hate doing it? It's that fine line between loving something and then when doing what you love becomes work. It's very confusing.

In a perfect world, I could write novels and support myself. In another perfect world, I could learn Mandarin and be a translator somewhere, and write books on the side. But lately, getting a dose of this shaky economy, I've learned that I've got to think practical. So begins my quest for the practical field of work that won't drive me crazy and won't kill my creativity. Meanwhile, I'm going to be a little less hard on myself. I live in a very competitive part of the country and I don't have to be everything that everyone else is. I have to stay true and stay focused.

Life as an Obstacle Course

This has been “one of those months” for me. In fact, the past year hasn’t been much of a cakewalk and I know a lot of people are in the same boat. There are so many things in my life to be happy about. I could list ten things on the spot that bring me joy and make me feel so blessed and thankful. I could name ten things on God’s green Earth alone that we can all be thankful for. But there are just those moments when I feel like I have the worst luck in the world. Is it luck? Not really…it’s just life. Life is one big rollercoaster of ups and downs: moments that are complete gifts and moments of great struggle. Life is bipolar. Life is funny and silly and gravely serious all at the same time.

I went to start my car last night and it wouldn’t start. I’m praying it’s something minor and it’s not done for good. It’s not the first time this car has failed me, so I shouldn’t be surprised at this. And I wasn’t. I feel like these types of things don’t surprise me anymore. And I don’t mean that in the “FML / woe is me!” sort of way, but more in the vein of “everything happens for a reason / what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” For instance, I was laid off my job three weeks ago (it could be argued that it was 100% a BLESSING) and I was surprised but not unnerved. I’m not claiming to be super strong and infallible because that’s not the case; It’s more of a numb-yet-aware sort of feeling. It’s like I am taking it all in almost from an outsider’s perspective so as to buffer the reality of it.

It reminds me of the movie Garden State. Zach Braff’s character is on so many pills he can’t even feel anything anymore. Life is happening all around him but it still doesn’t hit home for him. I’m not on any pills and I haven’t suffered the kinds of things that his character does, thank God, but I can relate to the feeling. Sometimes I feel like I am outside myself, only looking in at the things that are happening. This sounds very somber a comparison but when things get ugly, it’s difficult to absorb it all at once. When the character in Garden State gets the Lithium out of his system, (did ANYONE ELSE wonder why he didn’t suffer from serious withdrawals?) he can finally feel again and confront the things he wasn’t facing before. It’s necessary to enjoy a little separation from your troubles when you’ve got them, but life is too short to be numb and emotionless. As the cheesy-but-true quote goes: “I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all…”

Sometimes I wonder if I just have a major case of denial. But I don’t want to ignore negativity in my life, I just want to find the good in the struggles I have to face. It’s a manifestation of being an introspective person. And I know this world is so much bigger than me and my problems. Besides, what could I possibly learn from a life with no hiccups? How can I become the best person I can be if everything runs as planned? I like a life with surprises and detours and experiences. And if something comes my way that I feel like I can’t conquer, I just have to remind myself that it happened to show me that I can, indeed, get past it, move on and be the better for it.

“I have told you all these things so you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and struggles. But take heart! For I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33 NLT

You Are What You Read

What do the books we read say about us? It seems to make sense that our favorite and most beloved books would define us in some way. It may be that we see some of ourselves in the characters. The writing style speaks to us. It might be an adventure that we wish we could be a part of. More simply, it might just be that we like it. Because don’t the things we like say something about the things that we are?

Many of the things I like are things that I aspire to be, I want to emulate the good things that make me happy. But sometimes the things we like are things so far outside and beyond ourselves, we can only express our fondness and appreciation from a spectator’s point of view. One might say they enjoyed something very much but it in no way represented who they are. Am I enjoying this because it takes the freedoms that I do not take in my own life? Are these things I wish I could be, but I don’t have the courage?

It is also very common that people hate the things they see inside themselves. Herman Hesse said “If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is a part of yourself. What isn’t part of ourselves doesn’t disturb us.”
Could this be taken into consideration in this discussion? Quite possibly, one might put a book down because the character reminds them of the unflattering qualities that they themselves possess. Of course, one might avoid a book altogether if it focuses on subject matter that they don’t like. From a writer’s perspective, I have read books that I absolutely hated because of the poor writing, the sentence structure, the repetition of words. It reminded me of my own failures in the past, the mistakes I often make in writing, the obstacles that I have to overcome to be better.

There are so many things in this life that influence us, we couldn’t possibly count them all. The books I read, nonfiction and fiction alike, influence my mood, they change what I am thinking about from day-to-day, and they remind me of what is important to me. When I was reading (and loving) Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar, I was an emotional wreck. I would lay in bed at night, unable to sleep. It’s amazing what books can teach us and make us feel. More than what the books we read say about us, it is how the books we read shape us that is important. We learn, we absorb, we relate. Among the first books I ever read were The Chronicles of Narnia. I carry those stories and those characters around with me always. I think we take a piece of what we love and add it to ourselves, whether it be books, movies, plays, poems. All of us have a portfolio to fill with the things we enjoy, the beautiful things that we want our lives to include.

I am in an interesting part of my life right now. I feel like I am in a constant struggle between childhood and adulthood. I want to keep my youthful spirit but I’m afraid it is being smothered by the stresses of adult life that we all have to face. I just finished Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass. I can’t think of a better book to chronicle the innocence and beauty of childhood and a child’s imagination. I’m now reading Orwell’s 1984 for the first time: a horrifying look at the “future” in an oppressed world. “Big Brother is Watching You.” Who knows if the future will resemble the world portrayed in this book, and has it begun already? But could anything be further from lovely Wonderland life, where anything is possible?

In a world that seems to be changing so quickly, I am trying to find balance in my own life. Some days I can only think of all the negative and scary things, when there is so much good and so much beauty. Books can make you think, they can make you reflect, or they can make you forget for just enough time to find peace in your life. Whether or not someone may be able to get a clear picture of who I am based on what I read is an interesting notion. But one thing is for sure from my own experience: Books always help me back to where I need to be.