Life as an Obstacle Course

This has been “one of those months” for me. In fact, the past year hasn’t been much of a cakewalk and I know a lot of people are in the same boat. There are so many things in my life to be happy about. I could list ten things on the spot that bring me joy and make me feel so blessed and thankful. I could name ten things on God’s green Earth alone that we can all be thankful for. But there are just those moments when I feel like I have the worst luck in the world. Is it luck? Not really…it’s just life. Life is one big rollercoaster of ups and downs: moments that are complete gifts and moments of great struggle. Life is bipolar. Life is funny and silly and gravely serious all at the same time.

I went to start my car last night and it wouldn’t start. I’m praying it’s something minor and it’s not done for good. It’s not the first time this car has failed me, so I shouldn’t be surprised at this. And I wasn’t. I feel like these types of things don’t surprise me anymore. And I don’t mean that in the “FML / woe is me!” sort of way, but more in the vein of “everything happens for a reason / what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” For instance, I was laid off my job three weeks ago (it could be argued that it was 100% a BLESSING) and I was surprised but not unnerved. I’m not claiming to be super strong and infallible because that’s not the case; It’s more of a numb-yet-aware sort of feeling. It’s like I am taking it all in almost from an outsider’s perspective so as to buffer the reality of it.

It reminds me of the movie Garden State. Zach Braff’s character is on so many pills he can’t even feel anything anymore. Life is happening all around him but it still doesn’t hit home for him. I’m not on any pills and I haven’t suffered the kinds of things that his character does, thank God, but I can relate to the feeling. Sometimes I feel like I am outside myself, only looking in at the things that are happening. This sounds very somber a comparison but when things get ugly, it’s difficult to absorb it all at once. When the character in Garden State gets the Lithium out of his system, (did ANYONE ELSE wonder why he didn’t suffer from serious withdrawals?) he can finally feel again and confront the things he wasn’t facing before. It’s necessary to enjoy a little separation from your troubles when you’ve got them, but life is too short to be numb and emotionless. As the cheesy-but-true quote goes: “I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all…”

Sometimes I wonder if I just have a major case of denial. But I don’t want to ignore negativity in my life, I just want to find the good in the struggles I have to face. It’s a manifestation of being an introspective person. And I know this world is so much bigger than me and my problems. Besides, what could I possibly learn from a life with no hiccups? How can I become the best person I can be if everything runs as planned? I like a life with surprises and detours and experiences. And if something comes my way that I feel like I can’t conquer, I just have to remind myself that it happened to show me that I can, indeed, get past it, move on and be the better for it.

“I have told you all these things so you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and struggles. But take heart! For I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33 NLT

You Are What You Read

What do the books we read say about us? It seems to make sense that our favorite and most beloved books would define us in some way. It may be that we see some of ourselves in the characters. The writing style speaks to us. It might be an adventure that we wish we could be a part of. More simply, it might just be that we like it. Because don’t the things we like say something about the things that we are?

Many of the things I like are things that I aspire to be, I want to emulate the good things that make me happy. But sometimes the things we like are things so far outside and beyond ourselves, we can only express our fondness and appreciation from a spectator’s point of view. One might say they enjoyed something very much but it in no way represented who they are. Am I enjoying this because it takes the freedoms that I do not take in my own life? Are these things I wish I could be, but I don’t have the courage?

It is also very common that people hate the things they see inside themselves. Herman Hesse said “If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is a part of yourself. What isn’t part of ourselves doesn’t disturb us.”
Could this be taken into consideration in this discussion? Quite possibly, one might put a book down because the character reminds them of the unflattering qualities that they themselves possess. Of course, one might avoid a book altogether if it focuses on subject matter that they don’t like. From a writer’s perspective, I have read books that I absolutely hated because of the poor writing, the sentence structure, the repetition of words. It reminded me of my own failures in the past, the mistakes I often make in writing, the obstacles that I have to overcome to be better.

There are so many things in this life that influence us, we couldn’t possibly count them all. The books I read, nonfiction and fiction alike, influence my mood, they change what I am thinking about from day-to-day, and they remind me of what is important to me. When I was reading (and loving) Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar, I was an emotional wreck. I would lay in bed at night, unable to sleep. It’s amazing what books can teach us and make us feel. More than what the books we read say about us, it is how the books we read shape us that is important. We learn, we absorb, we relate. Among the first books I ever read were The Chronicles of Narnia. I carry those stories and those characters around with me always. I think we take a piece of what we love and add it to ourselves, whether it be books, movies, plays, poems. All of us have a portfolio to fill with the things we enjoy, the beautiful things that we want our lives to include.

I am in an interesting part of my life right now. I feel like I am in a constant struggle between childhood and adulthood. I want to keep my youthful spirit but I’m afraid it is being smothered by the stresses of adult life that we all have to face. I just finished Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass. I can’t think of a better book to chronicle the innocence and beauty of childhood and a child’s imagination. I’m now reading Orwell’s 1984 for the first time: a horrifying look at the “future” in an oppressed world. “Big Brother is Watching You.” Who knows if the future will resemble the world portrayed in this book, and has it begun already? But could anything be further from lovely Wonderland life, where anything is possible?

In a world that seems to be changing so quickly, I am trying to find balance in my own life. Some days I can only think of all the negative and scary things, when there is so much good and so much beauty. Books can make you think, they can make you reflect, or they can make you forget for just enough time to find peace in your life. Whether or not someone may be able to get a clear picture of who I am based on what I read is an interesting notion. But one thing is for sure from my own experience: Books always help me back to where I need to be.

I'm the Hero of the Story, I Don't Need to be Saved

"Anybody who ever built an empire, or changed the world, sat where you are now. And it’s because they sat there that they were able to do it.”
- Up in the Air

I was just laid off my job yesterday. And although the above quote was sort of a bullshit mantra in the movie, I take it quite seriously. I worked for the company for 3 1/2 years, but that is miniscule compared to the time put in by the others who lost their jobs around the country, some 10 years. I am almost 22 and I have been working full-time since I was 17. But I feel very happy to close the door on this chapter of my life.

I loved working with books. Every day was a learning experience and I will always remember those quirky customers with their brilliant suggestions: “Have you read this? The China Study! Meat and dairy are horrible for you! We must eat like the Chinese, they are so healthy! Here, let me write this down for you.”
Another man: “Do you see this book? The Wild Trees. It’s about the redwoods, these trees have been here for hundreds of years. Look at these photos!”
And the other, sillier recommendations by old ladies with their crazy sci-fi romance paperbacks. Most of all, I will miss the customers who have encouraged me to follow my dreams, (believe it or not, there have been conversations long enough to get into this!) of writing and poetry, becoming a novelist, traveling the world, even modeling. I will miss these conversations. I won’t get into the things that I won’t miss, which, in the past year alone, has become PLENTY.

I hope that this was only the beginning of a beautiful relationship with books, and the publishing world.

As for now, I am drinking tea with honey, listening to beautiful music, and looking forward to life ahead. I wish I could bottle up this feeling, because truly, I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I am going to set up my unemployment benefits (California…don’t fail me now!), take a little time and think of where I’m going and what my next move is. But I really feel that whatever has been stifling my creative bug the past few years is now gone. I feel so liberated.

I will close this entry out with this journal entry from the past:

OCTOBER 24th, 2006:
I am so excited! I just got back from an interview at Borders for a supervisor position. The interview went well but I am pretty sure I won’t get it. I don’t think the lady liked the fact that I was young, although I made sure to wear my glasses and tell her about how I wanted to be a writer and about all my favorite books. Haha. I am just proud of myself for getting an interview and i’m going to go on a million more and I’ll be the best interviewee ever! Whatever happens, happens. I’m just glad for the good experience.

-Rhonnie