but the spotlight makes you nervous

The "R" key on my laptop is acting up. I definitely need that one.
I feel the need to write just to write, instead of reviewing something or trying to sound like I know what I'm talking about. Plus there are so many changes in my life right now, and, change is good. The main part of my brain instantly rejects change, but, there's another part that loves it and needs it. I think my mind and body just NEED to feel anxious and that's one way to get there. But it is good, because with change comes experiences.

In a few days, I am packing all of my things into a rented car and driving back to Sacramento. I'm grateful to my big sister Rachel and her hubby Chris for taking a poor loser like me in off the street. ;)
I need to figure something out, and while I want it to be school, I'm afraid after a few months there I'll just get stir-crazy again. But I can't pretend like I have something going for me because frankly, I don't. And that's not low self esteem that's just reality. There are plenty of people in their thirties even that don't know what they're doing, so I'll live. I'm not too worried about it, except for the lack of security. Wanting to go places and do things that I can't afford. It'll work out, I just need to be patient.

Every time I type "work" it comes out "wok" because of my "R" problems.

Anyway. Right now in Long Beach I have the coolest roommates, and that's been very fun. Michelle, Natalie, Melissa, and Amaris, who is staying at home right now so I only got to meet her once. But God really blessed me with them, because it could have been a disaster. I've been going out a lot and watching a lot of movies lately. I used to hate watching new movies and I'd just rewatch my favorites, but I've changed. And I've actually become sort of a movieholic. I've been seeing a lot of movies in theaters for the past couple of years, but I've been watching some "oldies" too as of late. Brokedown Palace, Mansfield Park, Phoebe in Wonderland, Expelled, Paranormal Activity, Closer. None of those are really old at all. Natalie is a film major and recommended some to me. I also watched JGL's Uncertainty, The Book of Eli. I also watched The Lord of the Rings trilogy in 3 days. As far as books go, I've finished Don't Let's Go To The Dogs Tonight, which I really wanted to like but had trouble getting through it. Narrative of the Life of Fredrick Douglass was good, and short. I just finished The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo which was addicting and I'll have to get the other two books later. But yesterday I started Shadow of the Wind, by Carlos Ruiz Zafon. I've been wanting to start it for a while now, and I can already tell I will love it. He is a great writer. All in all, I've had a lot of time on my hands, if you couldn't tell.


I think my self esteem has taken a big trip down the crapper. I must work on that. I have a good feeling that when I am home and I am around my family and old friends again, it will repair itself naturally. Actually, I know it will. I am really good at being single.
It really bums me out that by the time I truly figure myself out, I will be too old to have the energy to take advantage of it. I feel like I am in a permanent identity crisis and it's just getting on my nerves. One day I will decide I am happy with myself and the next day I will wonder how I am coming across to other people. It's so stupid because logically I know who I am and what I believe about things, but I can't get rid of this inner dialogue. I've been out of teenagerdom for three years now, I thought I would be done with this. I just get so paranoid. I'll probably look back at this in five years and laugh at myself. Hopefully.

The past two years have been such a wild ride and I am so glad I made the decision to come here for this adventure. I will really miss all of the friends I made here. And I will really miss Long Beach. It is unique to the LA area, it really is. Of course, everything down here is a crowded mess, but, Long Beach is special because it's a big city that feels like a small town in certain places. It's close enough to downtown LA, it has a fun nightlife, the ocean is right there, and the weather is so perfect. The houses and shops have character, there's always something to do here, in a way, it feels like the center of everything. But Sacramento has a lot to offer too, and I am excited to explore the nightlife in midtown, since when I left I hadn't yet turned 21. And I do miss my family, the dogs in my family, and my niece and nephew are growing up and I'm not there to be a good aunt. I can't forget about the fact that my life affects more than just me. So in that respect, I am excited. And there's nothing like being in a place that you've spent eight years of your life in. It will work for awhile. :) But I can't help feeling a little nervous about the transition. I'll be okay.

Can I end this post by telling you what an utter PIG I have been today? When I woke up, I went through the McDonald's drive-thru and got large fries, an oreo McFlurry, and an iced mocha. Then I got a Subway sandwich, at least it was a 6' and not a foot long. Thankfully, I couldn't eat all of that in one sitting so I was able to spread the fat around. I'm actually indulging on the McFlurry as I type this. I make myself sick and RIGHT when I get home I'm putting the stress eating to rest. And beer drinking. And staying up until 4:00AM and sleeping in until 1:00PM. Ew, I sound like Lindsay or something. And sadly, you know who I speak of.

I'm the Hero of the Story, I Don't Need to be Saved

"Anybody who ever built an empire, or changed the world, sat where you are now. And it’s because they sat there that they were able to do it.”
- Up in the Air

I was just laid off my job yesterday. And although the above quote was sort of a bullshit mantra in the movie, I take it quite seriously. I worked for the company for 3 1/2 years, but that is miniscule compared to the time put in by the others who lost their jobs around the country, some 10 years. I am almost 22 and I have been working full-time since I was 17. But I feel very happy to close the door on this chapter of my life.

I loved working with books. Every day was a learning experience and I will always remember those quirky customers with their brilliant suggestions: “Have you read this? The China Study! Meat and dairy are horrible for you! We must eat like the Chinese, they are so healthy! Here, let me write this down for you.”
Another man: “Do you see this book? The Wild Trees. It’s about the redwoods, these trees have been here for hundreds of years. Look at these photos!”
And the other, sillier recommendations by old ladies with their crazy sci-fi romance paperbacks. Most of all, I will miss the customers who have encouraged me to follow my dreams, (believe it or not, there have been conversations long enough to get into this!) of writing and poetry, becoming a novelist, traveling the world, even modeling. I will miss these conversations. I won’t get into the things that I won’t miss, which, in the past year alone, has become PLENTY.

I hope that this was only the beginning of a beautiful relationship with books, and the publishing world.

As for now, I am drinking tea with honey, listening to beautiful music, and looking forward to life ahead. I wish I could bottle up this feeling, because truly, I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I am going to set up my unemployment benefits (California…don’t fail me now!), take a little time and think of where I’m going and what my next move is. But I really feel that whatever has been stifling my creative bug the past few years is now gone. I feel so liberated.

I will close this entry out with this journal entry from the past:

OCTOBER 24th, 2006:
I am so excited! I just got back from an interview at Borders for a supervisor position. The interview went well but I am pretty sure I won’t get it. I don’t think the lady liked the fact that I was young, although I made sure to wear my glasses and tell her about how I wanted to be a writer and about all my favorite books. Haha. I am just proud of myself for getting an interview and i’m going to go on a million more and I’ll be the best interviewee ever! Whatever happens, happens. I’m just glad for the good experience.

-Rhonnie