By realizing the reality of our Prince within us, we are never bothered again by the fact that we do not understand ourselves, or that other people do not understand us. The only One who truly understands me is the One who made me and who redeems me...It is a tremendous freedom to get rid of every kind of self-consideration and learn to care about only one thing -- the relationship between our Prince and ourselves.
-Oswald Chambers

2012 - new blog

I realized I have left this blog out in the boonies. Extreme neglect. I feel funny when I read (some of) these posts, not to mention other posts from my teenagedom and other years, me going on and on about my latest whims. Writing is always cathartic, even if it is self-absorbed. But I'm trying to steer clear of that and feel that I'm on a new path. It's funny though, I can see myself in these posts wriggling in my skin and being led toward something beautiful.
For anyone interested, I have a new blog called myheartsoverflow.wordpress.com that is less "diary"/stream of consciousness and more thoughts on the/my Christian walk. Epiphanies from Heaven. (why didn't I name it that??!) This comes after having an amazing 2011, finding myself in the Lord again and rededicating my life to Him, no more wavering and putting my own desires first. I have learned so much and I love to share what He has taught me. Please check it out!

And my poetry blog continues to be flowerspickthemselves.wordpress.com.

I'm sure I will find myself here again because I do like this blog for personal ramblings/goings on.

Love, Rhonnie

let go and let God

I'm having really big issues with

• not letting go of worries and fears



• not putting it in God's hands



• not taking it one day at a time



• feeling sorry for myself / thinking [insert anyone here] has it soooOooo much better
  

instead of feeling BLESSED to have what I have.
I can get so wrapped up in myself it's not even funny!
New goal: enjoy and be grateful for every day, regardless of circumstance, dangit!

recent thoughts

I love having an iPod again :)

Swimming tonight with Maia, Sarah, and Sandrea was the highlight of my year. Adults need underwater tea parties and cannonballs too!

I need to get out of my head & just live my flippin' life! What am I doing?! I have so much to give. It's not that I'm so concerned with how I feel all the time, and my emotions. I'm concerned with being able to focus on what I want and what God wants for me. What I want is to focus, & give my worries & fears to Him. I just have issues I can't get rid of.

I know it sounds weird, but, I have this crazy gift/curse of being able to read people really REALLY well. My family has it too. It's awful. I am really in tune with what people are thinking, the mood they may be in, if they are acting strangely toward me. It makes it really difficult to meet new people. It's like this ultra-sensitivity toward the energy that people give off (I sound like Oprah). Sometimes I like it, because I feel like I can be a good listener for people, and I really get a good feel for people pretty early on. But other times it is just exhausting, and leaves me obsessing over what I may have done wrong, how I may have come across, if I was acting weird. Gosh. I sound like a nutjob. Pair that with the incessant worrying and anxiety, sometimes it is paralyzing. Then I spend time thinking about what I want to do with my life, the dreams and goals I have, the steps I should be taking in my life, but it all gets jumbled in my head and I end up standing still. This is NOT what God has planned for me. And I don't know why but sometimes it gets worse when I know it should be getting better.

I know it's not right to be concerned with self esteem and spending time building yourself up, and I DON'T want to do that, but I feel like if I was more confident and able to be myself, to stop thinking so much and obsessing over stupid things, I could live to my full potential and accomplish what I know I can do. I feel like by now, well out of my teenage years, I shouldn't have so many thoughts about how other people are better than me, more capable, have it easier, are doing things that I could never do, etc. I don't want to be Miss Overconfident, thinking I'm amazing and can do anything through my own efforts- just simply comfortable in my own skin so that I can spend that time and energy on other things. It's something I need to continue to pray about. I think the main thing (that I already know) is that when I begin devoting more of my life to others, I will have less time to obsess over my insecurities. I think that's the main point here, that I am already aware of but I continue to make the same mistakes.

It will all work out. I know times have been hard lately for a lot of people, I feel like something's gotta give. I need to talk to God and truly figure out where He wants me to be, because something isn't right about where I am right now. I know I'm impatient, but there's so much more I want to be doing. I just have this gnawing feeling that I need to give up my silly day to day nonsense & really find my life by losing it.

Sleep times.

Come close, listen to the story...

...about a love more faithful than the morning.
The Father gave his only Son just to save us.
The Earth was shaking in the dark, all creation felt the Father's broken heart, tears were filling Heaven's eyes, the day that true love died."

lose your life, just so you can find it.

quoted from Dietrich Bonhoeffer

"Once again, things went hominum confusione et dei providentia

(according to man's confusion and God's providence)."


Pshhh. Amen to that. <3

a loss

I just found out horrible news that an old coworker of mine has passed away. It's hard to describe how I feel right now. It's difficult because we had a rocky relationship, but I'm so happy to know that we left on really good terms.

Charles was an old hippie, he was spunky, stubborn, eccentric, hilarious, opinionated, he pushed people's buttons, he cursed like a sailor, he was knowledgable about so much, he had a harsh exterior sometimes. We disagreed on nearly everything, and at times we had some tiffs...he had a complicated relationship with a lot of people. (He was well aware of it). But just when you least expected it, he was sweet, caring, and kind. And he lit up when he talked about his grandkids.

The last time I saw Charles was the day I got laid off, March of '10. He was coming in for his shift, he had a banana of course, because he was always eating one. Or drinking a coffee milkshake from the cafe. He clocked in and I had my box of things, walking toward the door. I told him I was laid off, and he was shocked. His reaction has always stuck with me, because he was genuinely upset, and said, "Rhonnie! I feel like I'm going to cry!" And then of course was angry, and cursed out the idiots at corporate. And he said he would miss working with me.
I'm so glad I have the memory of telling him how great it was working with him, thanking him for being so sweet about my being let go, and letting him know that I'd miss him. I really did know that I would miss him, he being such a crazy character.

I know the next time I go into that bookstore I'm going to expect him to be there, with a huge stack of magazines, shuffling to the section.
Charles touched people's lives, whether he was making people laugh or helping them find a book or talking about the famous authors he's met, he's left a mark with a lot of people.
I pray for his family and friends and those who knew him.
RIP Charles! You'll be missed by many!

It's almost 3AM and I can't sleep. Today was bizarre. This cold weather is depressing and there's no sun, only grey. Today my mom and I helped my sister paint her office. It was fun but exhausting-it took all day. And now I think I had too much caffeine, since I can't sleep and my heart is racing.

There was a terrible shooting in Arizona today, it's so sad. A congresswoman and other innocent people were brutally shot, her in the head, others fatally. Apparently she is hanging in there. It makes me sick, and so sad. I keep thinking, this happened in America? It's the times, I think. Bad news from every which way.

I can't wait for the Spring. School is starting soon, and the weather will be changing, finally. I can't wait for a beautiful Northern California spring. I just have a good feeling about this new year. Maybe the more I say it, the better chance that good things will happen.

What a great day! I got my car back from the shop and I am thanking God that it was something minor this time. My car truly has 9 lives.
Yesterday I wanted to explore the Sac City campus so I took the light rail down there, always an experience. It wasn't bad... I think I'm going to try and take it most days. I'm just in such a good mood because of my car, and I am having one of those motivated/excited/inspired days. If I could control it, I'd feel like this every day.

WOW. BLOOD ORANGE SODA is delicious. Until next time, Goodbye!

woes!

Yesterday I wrote an entry about worrying and how it gets nothing done, because I had been stressing about debt and money and everything people worry about. I felt pretty darn good after I wrote that and I decided I'm going to force myself to make this a good year, worry-free and taking chances. A couple hours later, my CAR broke down!! It's funny really, because, I was just asking for it.
But in all seriousness, this car is definitely on her last leg, and has been for quite some time. And I told my mom, 'Ya know? This is almost a relief. The one good thing about your car breaking down is no longer worrying about your car breaking down!' I really feel like "stuff" just weighs us down and adds stress.
Anyway. My last two entries have BEEN stressful, it just seeps out of me.
Finally, I would like to add, another of my goals this year is to meet more new people, because I forget how nice it is. :)

so this is the new year

Thank God for this new year! I know it's purely symbolic but I need a new start. Only problem is, I'm already starting it with fears and stress and worrying. If I wasn't worrying about something, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. If I wasn't scared of EVERYTHING, I wouldn't know how to do anything. Why is it so easy to say that I want to be fearless, and know that it's how I should live my life, and yet I can't actually put it in practice? I'm afraid I'll make a huge mistake and have big regrets, but if I do nothing and be paralyzed by fear, what greater regret could there be than that?
Anyway, this year MUST be the year of action, and being fearless, and getting out of my anxious head, and making decisions for myself instead of waiting for others to tell me what to do. I feel like a lot of this is recent, so I know I can change. And no matter how in over my head I feel, I know there's always a solution. I have people that I love, and I love God, and I can just take deep breaths and remind myself that life is hard for everyone but we all just have to keep moving on.

"existing's tricky: but to live's a gift." -e.e. cummings

I already know what I know, (but sometimes it's easy to ignore what I already know)
Jesus says, "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?...Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:26,34

worth fighting for

Frodo: I can't do this, Sam.
Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?
Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for.

Christmas Partying

Last night I went with my mom to a Foster Care Christmas party, where the families, kids, and prospective foster parents get together and meet one another with some yummy food. This hall they rented out was so beautifully decorated with lights and trees, and they had activities for the kids. I have never seen more adorable kids in all my life; I wanted to hug them and squeeze them to death. And when Santa made a surprise visit and the kids started screaming and jumping up and down and running up to him to hug him, I almost cried it was S'DARN CUTE!!!! I love Christmas, even though this year it just doesn't feel like it's that time of year. Next week when we go to Victorian Christmas in Nevada City maybe it will get me into the spirit.

Tonight I'm flying out to Long Beach to meet up with red Rachel for her birthday, we're (most likely) going to San Diego on Friday. Definitely, nothing screams Christmas like Southern California!

e.e. cummings

a wind has blown the rain away and blown
the sky away and all the leaves away,
and the trees stand. I think i too have known
autumn too long

(and what have you to say,
wind wind wind--did you love somebody
and have you the petal of somewhere in your heart
pinched from dumb summer?
O crazy daddy
of death dance cruelly for us and start
the last leaf whirling in the final brain
of air!)Let us as we have seen see
doom's integration.........a wind has blown the rain

away and the leaves and the sky and the
trees stand:
the trees stand. The trees,
suddenly wait against the moon's face.

from Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.
O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.

Glasswork by Hester Knibbe

my love who shelters in his words
sometimes falls silent for a sudden eternity
breathes that silence into a bell of glass
in which he calms storms

he draws lee lines in what was
it's more like a firefirm crackling
when he takes up words with ease
in a single glance, caressing my body

I read him day and night. What will it be like
when he withdraws into the word old,
arranges a last room, silver-white,
pushes the furniture a bit closer together

and crams still more fragile glass inside -
what will it be like when he grows transparent and breaks

She said,
"I didn't want to do it but I did it 'cause I didn't want to
break your heart."

Operation Christmas Child!

Saturday was a big "Packing Party" for Operation Christmas Child through the organization Samaritan's Purse. What they do is collect and send shoeboxes filled with toys, hygiene items, school supplies, and candy to children around the world in time for Christmas. The wonderful part about it is that anyone can pack a shoebox for the kids and personalize it.

My mom had my niece Grace (6) and nephew Ian (12) both fill shoeboxes before we went to the event; they filled them for another little girl and boy and wrapped the boxes.

The Packing Party event itself also had ALL kinds of supplies and toys for people to go there and pack more boxes. Gymboree donated thousands of cute little girls' pajamas.

Other people donated tons of other things: toothbrushes and toothpaste, coloring books, toys, stuffed animals, pencils and pens, notebooks, soaps. They had it set up so that you started with a box and went around to every table to pack the box filled with things for a little boy or a little girl.

Then we were able to write a letter and put it in the box telling the child something about ourselves.

We then prayed over the boxes and got them ready to send. While we were there they breached the 3,000 box mark, and that was only for our location! It's such a great cause and I'm so happy that these children who may not have received gifts this Christmas will get something from someone, even someone that they've never met. It was also great for Grace and Ian and the other children there to think about giving to someone else this Christmas.

It is National Collection Week for Operation Christmas Child, which means there's still time to get a shoebox packed and dropped off at a location.
http://www.samaritanspurse.org/index.php/OCC/index/

cielo

Phil Wickham:
I'm walking through the bright white gates, breathing in & out Your grace;
All around me melodies rise that echo with the joy inside.
So I start to sing......but I can't sing loud enough, I can't sing loud enough,
When I'm singing for You, my God.
No, I can't sing loud enough, I can't sing loud enough,
When I'm singing for You, my God.
With a thunder roll & a brilliant light, Your glory bursts & the heavens shine;
The saints & angels stand in awe, captured by the beauty of it all,
So I fall to my knees.....but I can't bow low enough, I can't bow low enough,
At the vision of You, my God.
I can't bow low enough, I can't bow low enough,
At the vision of You, my God.
I can't hold it all inside,
I'm reaching for the One who brought me out of death & into life.
Now I can't lift my hands high enough, lift my hands high enough,
When I'm reaching for You, my God.
I can't lift my hands high enough, lift my hands high enough,
When I'm reaching for You, I'm reaching for You.
I can't lift my hands high enough, lift my hands high enough,
When I'm reaching for You, my God.
I can't lift my hands high enough, lift my hands high enough,
When I'm reaching for You, my God.
Cielo...

November Showers

It's finally fall outside! It's Monday and we had a great November weekend with Dad visiting full of some of my favorite things: Beer, Band of Brothers, Apple Hill, Indian Food, Football, Videogames, Pizza, Snuggly Rainy Weather. We went to Salmon Falls and hung out by the river on Friday, had a throw-rocks-at-another-rock-and-whoever-hits-it-first-wins contest, (I won 2/2 beating Rachel, Dad, and Chris. Call me Lincecum.)
Saturday we went to Apple Hill, first getting a flat tire at a nasty spot in El Dorado Hills, but it all worked out. Made it up to the little fruit market before dusk and had some hot apple cider. It was so beautiful up there with the vineyards and the sunset. Then we stuffed ourselves at an old stomping ground of ours, an Indian Restaurant in Folsom. It was packed, and we later found out that they were celebrating Diwali, a Hindu holiday. It was DELICIOUS and I could eat Indian food every day of the rest of my life. They probably do that in India.
Sunday was rain, football, In n Out, Pizza, Band of Brothers mini-marathon. Love. I think I gained ten pounds this weekend!
I dropped Dad off at the airport this morning and went to Mom's; we spent all day going through boxes of photos. I have been alive 22 years and I have already done, seen, and had so much. It's unbelievable when I take a look at my life and I thank God for everything.