Life as an Obstacle Course

This has been “one of those months” for me. In fact, the past year hasn’t been much of a cakewalk and I know a lot of people are in the same boat. There are so many things in my life to be happy about. I could list ten things on the spot that bring me joy and make me feel so blessed and thankful. I could name ten things on God’s green Earth alone that we can all be thankful for. But there are just those moments when I feel like I have the worst luck in the world. Is it luck? Not really…it’s just life. Life is one big rollercoaster of ups and downs: moments that are complete gifts and moments of great struggle. Life is bipolar. Life is funny and silly and gravely serious all at the same time.

I went to start my car last night and it wouldn’t start. I’m praying it’s something minor and it’s not done for good. It’s not the first time this car has failed me, so I shouldn’t be surprised at this. And I wasn’t. I feel like these types of things don’t surprise me anymore. And I don’t mean that in the “FML / woe is me!” sort of way, but more in the vein of “everything happens for a reason / what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” For instance, I was laid off my job three weeks ago (it could be argued that it was 100% a BLESSING) and I was surprised but not unnerved. I’m not claiming to be super strong and infallible because that’s not the case; It’s more of a numb-yet-aware sort of feeling. It’s like I am taking it all in almost from an outsider’s perspective so as to buffer the reality of it.

It reminds me of the movie Garden State. Zach Braff’s character is on so many pills he can’t even feel anything anymore. Life is happening all around him but it still doesn’t hit home for him. I’m not on any pills and I haven’t suffered the kinds of things that his character does, thank God, but I can relate to the feeling. Sometimes I feel like I am outside myself, only looking in at the things that are happening. This sounds very somber a comparison but when things get ugly, it’s difficult to absorb it all at once. When the character in Garden State gets the Lithium out of his system, (did ANYONE ELSE wonder why he didn’t suffer from serious withdrawals?) he can finally feel again and confront the things he wasn’t facing before. It’s necessary to enjoy a little separation from your troubles when you’ve got them, but life is too short to be numb and emotionless. As the cheesy-but-true quote goes: “I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all…”

Sometimes I wonder if I just have a major case of denial. But I don’t want to ignore negativity in my life, I just want to find the good in the struggles I have to face. It’s a manifestation of being an introspective person. And I know this world is so much bigger than me and my problems. Besides, what could I possibly learn from a life with no hiccups? How can I become the best person I can be if everything runs as planned? I like a life with surprises and detours and experiences. And if something comes my way that I feel like I can’t conquer, I just have to remind myself that it happened to show me that I can, indeed, get past it, move on and be the better for it.

“I have told you all these things so you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and struggles. But take heart! For I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33 NLT

You Are What You Read

What do the books we read say about us? It seems to make sense that our favorite and most beloved books would define us in some way. It may be that we see some of ourselves in the characters. The writing style speaks to us. It might be an adventure that we wish we could be a part of. More simply, it might just be that we like it. Because don’t the things we like say something about the things that we are?

Many of the things I like are things that I aspire to be, I want to emulate the good things that make me happy. But sometimes the things we like are things so far outside and beyond ourselves, we can only express our fondness and appreciation from a spectator’s point of view. One might say they enjoyed something very much but it in no way represented who they are. Am I enjoying this because it takes the freedoms that I do not take in my own life? Are these things I wish I could be, but I don’t have the courage?

It is also very common that people hate the things they see inside themselves. Herman Hesse said “If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is a part of yourself. What isn’t part of ourselves doesn’t disturb us.”
Could this be taken into consideration in this discussion? Quite possibly, one might put a book down because the character reminds them of the unflattering qualities that they themselves possess. Of course, one might avoid a book altogether if it focuses on subject matter that they don’t like. From a writer’s perspective, I have read books that I absolutely hated because of the poor writing, the sentence structure, the repetition of words. It reminded me of my own failures in the past, the mistakes I often make in writing, the obstacles that I have to overcome to be better.

There are so many things in this life that influence us, we couldn’t possibly count them all. The books I read, nonfiction and fiction alike, influence my mood, they change what I am thinking about from day-to-day, and they remind me of what is important to me. When I was reading (and loving) Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar, I was an emotional wreck. I would lay in bed at night, unable to sleep. It’s amazing what books can teach us and make us feel. More than what the books we read say about us, it is how the books we read shape us that is important. We learn, we absorb, we relate. Among the first books I ever read were The Chronicles of Narnia. I carry those stories and those characters around with me always. I think we take a piece of what we love and add it to ourselves, whether it be books, movies, plays, poems. All of us have a portfolio to fill with the things we enjoy, the beautiful things that we want our lives to include.

I am in an interesting part of my life right now. I feel like I am in a constant struggle between childhood and adulthood. I want to keep my youthful spirit but I’m afraid it is being smothered by the stresses of adult life that we all have to face. I just finished Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass. I can’t think of a better book to chronicle the innocence and beauty of childhood and a child’s imagination. I’m now reading Orwell’s 1984 for the first time: a horrifying look at the “future” in an oppressed world. “Big Brother is Watching You.” Who knows if the future will resemble the world portrayed in this book, and has it begun already? But could anything be further from lovely Wonderland life, where anything is possible?

In a world that seems to be changing so quickly, I am trying to find balance in my own life. Some days I can only think of all the negative and scary things, when there is so much good and so much beauty. Books can make you think, they can make you reflect, or they can make you forget for just enough time to find peace in your life. Whether or not someone may be able to get a clear picture of who I am based on what I read is an interesting notion. But one thing is for sure from my own experience: Books always help me back to where I need to be.

I'm the Hero of the Story, I Don't Need to be Saved

"Anybody who ever built an empire, or changed the world, sat where you are now. And it’s because they sat there that they were able to do it.”
- Up in the Air

I was just laid off my job yesterday. And although the above quote was sort of a bullshit mantra in the movie, I take it quite seriously. I worked for the company for 3 1/2 years, but that is miniscule compared to the time put in by the others who lost their jobs around the country, some 10 years. I am almost 22 and I have been working full-time since I was 17. But I feel very happy to close the door on this chapter of my life.

I loved working with books. Every day was a learning experience and I will always remember those quirky customers with their brilliant suggestions: “Have you read this? The China Study! Meat and dairy are horrible for you! We must eat like the Chinese, they are so healthy! Here, let me write this down for you.”
Another man: “Do you see this book? The Wild Trees. It’s about the redwoods, these trees have been here for hundreds of years. Look at these photos!”
And the other, sillier recommendations by old ladies with their crazy sci-fi romance paperbacks. Most of all, I will miss the customers who have encouraged me to follow my dreams, (believe it or not, there have been conversations long enough to get into this!) of writing and poetry, becoming a novelist, traveling the world, even modeling. I will miss these conversations. I won’t get into the things that I won’t miss, which, in the past year alone, has become PLENTY.

I hope that this was only the beginning of a beautiful relationship with books, and the publishing world.

As for now, I am drinking tea with honey, listening to beautiful music, and looking forward to life ahead. I wish I could bottle up this feeling, because truly, I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I am going to set up my unemployment benefits (California…don’t fail me now!), take a little time and think of where I’m going and what my next move is. But I really feel that whatever has been stifling my creative bug the past few years is now gone. I feel so liberated.

I will close this entry out with this journal entry from the past:

OCTOBER 24th, 2006:
I am so excited! I just got back from an interview at Borders for a supervisor position. The interview went well but I am pretty sure I won’t get it. I don’t think the lady liked the fact that I was young, although I made sure to wear my glasses and tell her about how I wanted to be a writer and about all my favorite books. Haha. I am just proud of myself for getting an interview and i’m going to go on a million more and I’ll be the best interviewee ever! Whatever happens, happens. I’m just glad for the good experience.

-Rhonnie

Love in the Time of Cholera

With Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, I expected a better version of The Notebook, except set in Colombia and written with actual talent from a Nobel Prize-winning author. I was slightly disappointed. It's not a book I can picture Oprah trudging through. It was good. It was not very thought-provoking and sadly, it left me with a feeling of relief at its end.

This love story is not really a love story. The language he uses is rich and beautiful, you can almost smell the gardenias through the page. But the story itself only makes me sad. The man, Florentino Ariza, practically stalks the woman, Fermina Daza, for "fifty-three years, seven months, and eleven days." She doesn't even love him until she is old and has no other options. Throughout, he is obsessed and writes sappy love poems and letters and weeps and becomes physically ill when she marries a wealthy doctor instead of him. And for the rest of his life, while entertaining his share of mistresses, he waits for the day of her husband's death to offer himself to her once more.

I do like the inscription written on the dedications page of my copy and I wonder who and where these people might be:
Nadia-I don't know if you already have this but it's one of my favorites & I thought you might dig it. Stephanie
Nadia, I bought your book in Long Beach for a dollar. Did you dig it?

re.

The Glass Castle

I'll build a castle that won't fall down...
-Eisley

I love the title of this memoir. The Glass Castle. It's mysterious and beautiful and brings images to mind of light and architecture and space and reflection. I love the meaning of The Glass Castle in the book: yet another of her father's dreams and unfulfilled promises. I love the vagueness of the summary given on the back cover. I love how, before I read this, I thought my childhood was pretty different and unique but in comparison it was the picture of normalcy.


In The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls, what the main character, the author, goes through in this book is unbelievable. Her childhood is an erratic and unstable one, with a bright father, Rex, and an artist and writer mother, Rose Mary. Rex is a brilliant dreamer, interested in physics and aerodynamics but is an angry and destructive alcoholic. Rose Mary, having had to grow up quickly after giving birth to her children, is selfish and has terrible moodswings. Jeanette and her three siblings have to rely on each other and be a support system in a hectic place. From constantly moving and changing schools, to having so little money that they don't know where their next meal will come from, this family is constantly being tested. As Jeanette and her siblings get older, they look for ways to make it our on their own. To have lives with a little stability, and isn't that what we all want?

This book is more than a memoir of an American family, it is a piece of history. Not only a personal history, but of America and a struggling family in the West. America and the world have both changed so much even in just the past 20 years, and now more than ever it's important to look back on how far it's come. It's a story of survival and strength, from someone who knew nothing outside of the craziness she grew up in. All she knew is that she wanted something better.

Escape Artist

I was speaking with my friend John a couple days ago. He said that more than almost anything, he hates when people choose to do something as a form of escapism. "Whether it be drinking, gambling, drugs," he said. "I think to avoid the reality of our daily lives is one of the worst things you can do."

I agreed. How sad to feel you have to get away from your own reality. To numb, to forget, to seek out a false and temporary thrill from something insubstantial and fleeting. How very unstable a person must be to wish to shirk the responsibility of life!

But I immediately realised I am no better. I read! I obsessively devour books of all kinds: fantasy, novels, memoirs, science fiction, mysteries. I turn page after page for the sole purpose of reveling in the lives of these characters, their problems, their friends, their adventures. I feel what they feel, I learn from their mistakes, I drift away to the world in which they live. I am a true Escape Artist, maybe the worst kind.

I can't hide away in these private worlds forever. While I love to escape to these worlds far away, maybe it would be a healthy change to let some of it out. I have decided I will write as I read and share my thoughts as I think them, and I invite my fellow Escape Artists (I know you are out there) to follow along. I want to open a portal and combine the two worlds: the world of reality, and the world I escape to. Will I still be escaping? Of course. But maybe I can begin to face the world of reality with more gumption, more courage, and as whole-heartedly as I face the places to which I escape.

re.

Taiwan Journals

So I was rummaging through some journals and came upon my pages that I wrote while in Taiwan and on the way. There's not much and later I'd like to dig through my memory and expound on some things, but I wanted to share with anyone interested :)
APRIL 10TH, 2008
No Triscuits!
On the airplane! I haven't been on a plane this big in a long time. It's huge!! I just turned the BRIGHT light out because everyone else is sleeping. This is so surreal...I've had the giggles all day. Snoop Dogg on the music player...I'm telling you to LOOSEN UP MY BUTTONS, BABE! Ha Ha. The ride has been really really smooth. Everyone on this plane is Chinese. There's a man a few seats away, American. He's a business man from New York and he speaks Chinese! He's talking to a flight attendant. A "Chenglish" if you will, weaving in and out of it. I think he wants to read but she wants to talk. Dad's asleep, his sunglasses just fell, and he's got these crazy eye shades on. What are those called again? It's a mask. But he looks like he's going to Mardi Gras.
There's a guy with a laptop next to Dad. I wish I had mine! Kinda. His is nice and small. It's too cramped in here for that. We have tons of leg room though and that's all that matters to me. We had lunch about an hour ago. It was really good! Vegetarian requested for me by Dad. A vegan cookie, a roll with butter, a small salad with vinegarette, and this white rice with veggies and beans and tomato sauce kinda thing. I was full after the pretzels but it's cool. My tummy hurts. I just watched August Rush for the second time. I'm not sleepy...Dad and I were listening to the Chenglish conversation. "Your pet peeve" he said, but really I'm just jealous they can do it. He says she is reacting like people react when Uncle David speaks Mandarin. I want to learn...I need to put my all into it, that's for sure. I wish learning languages was an occupation.

32,000 ft.
We are flying past Honolulu... :)
Juneau's not too high up there too. It's so amazing to really think that I could be...could go anywhere!
Dark Blue, Dark Blue...
Packing was stressful. We woke up around 7am, left at around 9am. Rachel drove us to BART, we got on and it took us straight to SFO. Fun to people watch. So many little urbanites. Chic city girls. We made it through everything just in time, not really a minute to spare. The airport wasn't too crowded. Not at all, actually. I expected worse. Over 900 flights were cancelled through American Airlines so we are lucky on United. The bathrooms on this plane are really cool. Clean and smell like soap. It's phenomenal how comfortable it is. TV, music, maps, snacks. Very pleasant so far. We're about 2:40 in. I wish I knew Chinese. My tummy still hurts.

5,116 miles away...1,388 miles travelled
35,000 ft. 468 mph. 2063 mi
8:52 - time since departure!
4:26 left!
So...it's now a little after 10PM, CA time. All the shades are down in the plane but we haven't and won't have a nighttime. My body is going to think it's past 3AM when we land, local time 6PM. It will be like two days in one!! I haven't slept at all yet. Dad and I just finished playing eighteen thousand hands of Gin. Bought some cigars from Duty Free for David - all they have in Taipei are Cubans! How funny. Also brought him a box of Triscuits - don't have those either. It just dawned on me that we're going to a place where I don't know a single word of their language.
"Xie xie" is thank you. Am I even saying it right? Geez. This is awesome. It's April 11th. Could've sworn it was the tenth...hmm...
I like looking at this distance map with the red line and the little plane. I'm far from being a geography buff, so people like me get really excited to think about the fact that Alaska is so close to Asia. And Guam! I haven't even thought about Guam since I knew a girl in Hawaii who was from there. I watched Enchanted, it was really cute. Read some. My tummy really hurts now :( We got another meal - my veggie one was something like a pita with lettuce and cous cous and another vegan cookie. It was good! I love planned meals like that. Haha.
...Manila Tokyo Seoul Sapporo Osaka Hakodate Naha...
I'm going to try and get some sleep maybe. With National Treasure, no audio, Chinese subtitles. "It looks like they keep cussing!" - Dad.
i thank you God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

i thank you God for most this amazing day
Today was one of the best I've ever had. It was INCREDIBLE. Woke up early at the beachhouse, drove (with six people in David's jeep) to the train station in a little rundown town...Taijuon? Something similar. Bought our tickets, had 5 minutes to run to 7-11 to get coffee (there are more 7-11s here than I've ever seen!) almost missed the train so we ran and ran! One guy (named Guy!) almost didn't make it. Another guy Neil was screaming, "RUN!!" it was hilarious. He made it! These cute ladies were sitting in our seats at first, and they went to talk to them in Chinese about moving and it turns out they were Korean. Crazy. It's funny how sometimes it's impossible to know. But, I suppose it's like that with Americans, Canadians, Australians, other Europeans...etc. etc. Anyway, so they sat in front of us, they were snacking on something and Dad said, "No kim-chi?" They smirked and said "Nooo..." and started laughing to themselves. That's like if they had asked us, "No cheeseburgers?" Hilarious. So the train took about an hour and a half. Nice ride, waking up. Then we got off at the station and scuttled around, trying to figure things out. Once we did, we walked to a scooter rental place! At first I thought we wouldn't be able to pull it off without licenses...but Sindy, David's girlfriend, asked and she said they take foreign licenses. The owner was nervous though for her bikes. So the others were like, "Yeah, I've ridden before plenty!" Which was semi-true for them but not for me. I was really nervous at first, and we ended up getting 5 scooters instead because the boss lady seemed really nervous and worried. But we got them, no problem. I rode on the back with my Uncle for about ten minutes and at a gas station we switched so I could drive my own. It was also raining, first sprinkling and then pouring...not too cold but pretty scary. It was UNBELIEVABLE. SO much fun. You have to weave in and out of traffic, in towns, dodging people and car doors opening, and wild dogs. And you go 60 kilometers on the "freeways." It felt like a video game, being part of a scooter gang riding through an Asian city. Even the traffic lights and patterns and systems are all different. It was so thrilling. I was still getting used to it on the way up, didn't run over anyone, thank God. Then we went to this aboriginal restaurant in Taroko, before the Gorge...it was so delicious. Rice, omelette, cabbage, tofu, bok choy soup, wasabi greens. Gorgeous. The place was outside and open and wet and green and lush...it reminded me of Hawaii. The bathrooms were not very modern...it was a hole in the ground.
After we ate we went on toward the Gorge, which was THE most beautiful place I have ever been in real life. It was unbelievable. And to be on a scooter for the experience was even better. We went through huge narrow tunnels, passing semi trucks and tour buses, all in big yellow rain jackets. It was heaven.
Monday Night
Today was shopping day #1! Slept in a little until 9:00, went to breakfast(which ends at 9:30) We walked into the room at 9:27..."Mista, we close!" But she let us get a little cereal. :) Then treated us so nicely when she realized we only needed about 2 minutes, and weren't American assholes.
Then we got some Starbucks with David. Really good vibe, rested, relaxed, we sat for a good hour. The Starbucks could have been in the states, it was neat. Then David helped us on our way on the NRT transit. He had to work today. It's amazing how orderly the subway is. So different from the streets. A woman tapped on Dad's shoulder and warned him that you are punished for chewing gum if they catch you. Crazy! We went to a memorial, first stop, it was so beautiful and very touristy. There was an amazing bookstore! I could've spent hours. Bought two really cute kids picture books, Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle, a postcard, all for under NT1000. (<$30) Amazing deal! Everything is so cheap. Reasonable, the US is just outrageous. Especially California. The money here is really fun, too. 1000 is about $30, 100 is about $3! 3000=$100US.
It's really easy, just in thirds. I AM really going to learn Chinese. I love everything about this place. I want to know how to speak to the whole world. There's so much out there! David's girlfriend Sindy is so cute. She's only a little bit older than me, 24. But they are cute. Constant language barriers. They do jigsaw puzzles. There's a dessert here, strawberries on sticks like a pupu platter, hard coated with sugar syrup stuff and warm. So good! They do it with little plums and cherry tomatoes too. Tomatoes are in their true form here as fruit. So different. Everything is! I love it. Meanings for things...good fortunes. There's so much I haven't written yet but my arm hurts and I am so tired. It's past 1AM now. I'm so glad I've been able to go allll day and allll night! There's no time to waste sleeping! I need to write more still about Taroko Gorge, Taipei 101, night markets 1&2, the food!, the stuff, funny tshirts in English jibberish, nice restaurant WIND, Jimbo, NY NY, the Korean military boys, beachhouse party!, fish market, "hotpot" restaurant, NET aka the GAP, Hooters, David's friends, surfers, cute Chinese boys :) (SO many!), few howlies, squealing pig tonight, pug with a backpack, fashion shopping mall, longest tunnel in the world, ice cream burrito, guava with plum powder, Cinderella Chinese, Elle Chinese, Ma?
I could write a book with all these thoughts I'm having here, all the things I've seen.
All I have to say is...we're leaving tomorrow and I DO NOT WANT TO. When does that happen? None of me is homesick. That is a sign, I know it is. I have to come back soon. Tonight I met the nicest and cutest people ever. I have so many goodies to bring back. I need to learn Chinese. I WILL! This place is phenomenal. I'm in awe. Please don't make me leave! :( :(