Swimming tonight with Maia, Sarah, and Sandrea was the highlight of my year. Adults need underwater tea parties and cannonballs too!
I need to get out of my head & just live my flippin' life! What am I doing?! I have so much to give. It's not that I'm so concerned with how I feel all the time, and my emotions. I'm concerned with being able to focus on what I want and what God wants for me. What I want is to focus, & give my worries & fears to Him. I just have issues I can't get rid of.
I know it sounds weird, but, I have this crazy gift/curse of being able to read people really REALLY well. My family has it too. It's awful. I am really in tune with what people are thinking, the mood they may be in, if they are acting strangely toward me. It makes it really difficult to meet new people. It's like this ultra-sensitivity toward the energy that people give off (I sound like Oprah). Sometimes I like it, because I feel like I can be a good listener for people, and I really get a good feel for people pretty early on. But other times it is just exhausting, and leaves me obsessing over what I may have done wrong, how I may have come across, if I was acting weird. Gosh. I sound like a nutjob. Pair that with the incessant worrying and anxiety, sometimes it is paralyzing. Then I spend time thinking about what I want to do with my life, the dreams and goals I have, the steps I should be taking in my life, but it all gets jumbled in my head and I end up standing still. This is NOT what God has planned for me. And I don't know why but sometimes it gets worse when I know it should be getting better.
I know it's not right to be concerned with self esteem and spending time building yourself up, and I DON'T want to do that, but I feel like if I was more confident and able to be myself, to stop thinking so much and obsessing over stupid things, I could live to my full potential and accomplish what I know I can do. I feel like by now, well out of my teenage years, I shouldn't have so many thoughts about how other people are better than me, more capable, have it easier, are doing things that I could never do, etc. I don't want to be Miss Overconfident, thinking I'm amazing and can do anything through my own efforts- just simply comfortable in my own skin so that I can spend that time and energy on other things. It's something I need to continue to pray about. I think the main thing (that I already know) is that when I begin devoting more of my life to others, I will have less time to obsess over my insecurities. I think that's the main point here, that I am already aware of but I continue to make the same mistakes.
It will all work out. I know times have been hard lately for a lot of people, I feel like something's gotta give. I need to talk to God and truly figure out where He wants me to be, because something isn't right about where I am right now. I know I'm impatient, but there's so much more I want to be doing. I just have this gnawing feeling that I need to give up my silly day to day nonsense & really find my life by losing it.
Sleep times.
