let go and let God

I'm having really big issues with

• not letting go of worries and fears



• not putting it in God's hands



• not taking it one day at a time



• feeling sorry for myself / thinking [insert anyone here] has it soooOooo much better
  

instead of feeling BLESSED to have what I have.
I can get so wrapped up in myself it's not even funny!
New goal: enjoy and be grateful for every day, regardless of circumstance, dangit!

recent thoughts

I love having an iPod again :)

Swimming tonight with Maia, Sarah, and Sandrea was the highlight of my year. Adults need underwater tea parties and cannonballs too!

I need to get out of my head & just live my flippin' life! What am I doing?! I have so much to give. It's not that I'm so concerned with how I feel all the time, and my emotions. I'm concerned with being able to focus on what I want and what God wants for me. What I want is to focus, & give my worries & fears to Him. I just have issues I can't get rid of.

I know it sounds weird, but, I have this crazy gift/curse of being able to read people really REALLY well. My family has it too. It's awful. I am really in tune with what people are thinking, the mood they may be in, if they are acting strangely toward me. It makes it really difficult to meet new people. It's like this ultra-sensitivity toward the energy that people give off (I sound like Oprah). Sometimes I like it, because I feel like I can be a good listener for people, and I really get a good feel for people pretty early on. But other times it is just exhausting, and leaves me obsessing over what I may have done wrong, how I may have come across, if I was acting weird. Gosh. I sound like a nutjob. Pair that with the incessant worrying and anxiety, sometimes it is paralyzing. Then I spend time thinking about what I want to do with my life, the dreams and goals I have, the steps I should be taking in my life, but it all gets jumbled in my head and I end up standing still. This is NOT what God has planned for me. And I don't know why but sometimes it gets worse when I know it should be getting better.

I know it's not right to be concerned with self esteem and spending time building yourself up, and I DON'T want to do that, but I feel like if I was more confident and able to be myself, to stop thinking so much and obsessing over stupid things, I could live to my full potential and accomplish what I know I can do. I feel like by now, well out of my teenage years, I shouldn't have so many thoughts about how other people are better than me, more capable, have it easier, are doing things that I could never do, etc. I don't want to be Miss Overconfident, thinking I'm amazing and can do anything through my own efforts- just simply comfortable in my own skin so that I can spend that time and energy on other things. It's something I need to continue to pray about. I think the main thing (that I already know) is that when I begin devoting more of my life to others, I will have less time to obsess over my insecurities. I think that's the main point here, that I am already aware of but I continue to make the same mistakes.

It will all work out. I know times have been hard lately for a lot of people, I feel like something's gotta give. I need to talk to God and truly figure out where He wants me to be, because something isn't right about where I am right now. I know I'm impatient, but there's so much more I want to be doing. I just have this gnawing feeling that I need to give up my silly day to day nonsense & really find my life by losing it.

Sleep times.

Come close, listen to the story...

...about a love more faithful than the morning.
The Father gave his only Son just to save us.
The Earth was shaking in the dark, all creation felt the Father's broken heart, tears were filling Heaven's eyes, the day that true love died."

lose your life, just so you can find it.

quoted from Dietrich Bonhoeffer

"Once again, things went hominum confusione et dei providentia

(according to man's confusion and God's providence)."


Pshhh. Amen to that. <3

a loss

I just found out horrible news that an old coworker of mine has passed away. It's hard to describe how I feel right now. It's difficult because we had a rocky relationship, but I'm so happy to know that we left on really good terms.

Charles was an old hippie, he was spunky, stubborn, eccentric, hilarious, opinionated, he pushed people's buttons, he cursed like a sailor, he was knowledgable about so much, he had a harsh exterior sometimes. We disagreed on nearly everything, and at times we had some tiffs...he had a complicated relationship with a lot of people. (He was well aware of it). But just when you least expected it, he was sweet, caring, and kind. And he lit up when he talked about his grandkids.

The last time I saw Charles was the day I got laid off, March of '10. He was coming in for his shift, he had a banana of course, because he was always eating one. Or drinking a coffee milkshake from the cafe. He clocked in and I had my box of things, walking toward the door. I told him I was laid off, and he was shocked. His reaction has always stuck with me, because he was genuinely upset, and said, "Rhonnie! I feel like I'm going to cry!" And then of course was angry, and cursed out the idiots at corporate. And he said he would miss working with me.
I'm so glad I have the memory of telling him how great it was working with him, thanking him for being so sweet about my being let go, and letting him know that I'd miss him. I really did know that I would miss him, he being such a crazy character.

I know the next time I go into that bookstore I'm going to expect him to be there, with a huge stack of magazines, shuffling to the section.
Charles touched people's lives, whether he was making people laugh or helping them find a book or talking about the famous authors he's met, he's left a mark with a lot of people.
I pray for his family and friends and those who knew him.
RIP Charles! You'll be missed by many!

It's almost 3AM and I can't sleep. Today was bizarre. This cold weather is depressing and there's no sun, only grey. Today my mom and I helped my sister paint her office. It was fun but exhausting-it took all day. And now I think I had too much caffeine, since I can't sleep and my heart is racing.

There was a terrible shooting in Arizona today, it's so sad. A congresswoman and other innocent people were brutally shot, her in the head, others fatally. Apparently she is hanging in there. It makes me sick, and so sad. I keep thinking, this happened in America? It's the times, I think. Bad news from every which way.

I can't wait for the Spring. School is starting soon, and the weather will be changing, finally. I can't wait for a beautiful Northern California spring. I just have a good feeling about this new year. Maybe the more I say it, the better chance that good things will happen.

What a great day! I got my car back from the shop and I am thanking God that it was something minor this time. My car truly has 9 lives.
Yesterday I wanted to explore the Sac City campus so I took the light rail down there, always an experience. It wasn't bad... I think I'm going to try and take it most days. I'm just in such a good mood because of my car, and I am having one of those motivated/excited/inspired days. If I could control it, I'd feel like this every day.

WOW. BLOOD ORANGE SODA is delicious. Until next time, Goodbye!

woes!

Yesterday I wrote an entry about worrying and how it gets nothing done, because I had been stressing about debt and money and everything people worry about. I felt pretty darn good after I wrote that and I decided I'm going to force myself to make this a good year, worry-free and taking chances. A couple hours later, my CAR broke down!! It's funny really, because, I was just asking for it.
But in all seriousness, this car is definitely on her last leg, and has been for quite some time. And I told my mom, 'Ya know? This is almost a relief. The one good thing about your car breaking down is no longer worrying about your car breaking down!' I really feel like "stuff" just weighs us down and adds stress.
Anyway. My last two entries have BEEN stressful, it just seeps out of me.
Finally, I would like to add, another of my goals this year is to meet more new people, because I forget how nice it is. :)

so this is the new year

Thank God for this new year! I know it's purely symbolic but I need a new start. Only problem is, I'm already starting it with fears and stress and worrying. If I wasn't worrying about something, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. If I wasn't scared of EVERYTHING, I wouldn't know how to do anything. Why is it so easy to say that I want to be fearless, and know that it's how I should live my life, and yet I can't actually put it in practice? I'm afraid I'll make a huge mistake and have big regrets, but if I do nothing and be paralyzed by fear, what greater regret could there be than that?
Anyway, this year MUST be the year of action, and being fearless, and getting out of my anxious head, and making decisions for myself instead of waiting for others to tell me what to do. I feel like a lot of this is recent, so I know I can change. And no matter how in over my head I feel, I know there's always a solution. I have people that I love, and I love God, and I can just take deep breaths and remind myself that life is hard for everyone but we all just have to keep moving on.

"existing's tricky: but to live's a gift." -e.e. cummings

I already know what I know, (but sometimes it's easy to ignore what I already know)
Jesus says, "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?...Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:26,34