worth fighting for

Frodo: I can't do this, Sam.
Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?
Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for.

Christmas Partying

Last night I went with my mom to a Foster Care Christmas party, where the families, kids, and prospective foster parents get together and meet one another with some yummy food. This hall they rented out was so beautifully decorated with lights and trees, and they had activities for the kids. I have never seen more adorable kids in all my life; I wanted to hug them and squeeze them to death. And when Santa made a surprise visit and the kids started screaming and jumping up and down and running up to him to hug him, I almost cried it was S'DARN CUTE!!!! I love Christmas, even though this year it just doesn't feel like it's that time of year. Next week when we go to Victorian Christmas in Nevada City maybe it will get me into the spirit.

Tonight I'm flying out to Long Beach to meet up with red Rachel for her birthday, we're (most likely) going to San Diego on Friday. Definitely, nothing screams Christmas like Southern California!

e.e. cummings

a wind has blown the rain away and blown
the sky away and all the leaves away,
and the trees stand. I think i too have known
autumn too long

(and what have you to say,
wind wind wind--did you love somebody
and have you the petal of somewhere in your heart
pinched from dumb summer?
O crazy daddy
of death dance cruelly for us and start
the last leaf whirling in the final brain
of air!)Let us as we have seen see
doom's integration.........a wind has blown the rain

away and the leaves and the sky and the
trees stand:
the trees stand. The trees,
suddenly wait against the moon's face.

from Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.
O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.

Glasswork by Hester Knibbe

my love who shelters in his words
sometimes falls silent for a sudden eternity
breathes that silence into a bell of glass
in which he calms storms

he draws lee lines in what was
it's more like a firefirm crackling
when he takes up words with ease
in a single glance, caressing my body

I read him day and night. What will it be like
when he withdraws into the word old,
arranges a last room, silver-white,
pushes the furniture a bit closer together

and crams still more fragile glass inside -
what will it be like when he grows transparent and breaks

She said,
"I didn't want to do it but I did it 'cause I didn't want to
break your heart."

Operation Christmas Child!

Saturday was a big "Packing Party" for Operation Christmas Child through the organization Samaritan's Purse. What they do is collect and send shoeboxes filled with toys, hygiene items, school supplies, and candy to children around the world in time for Christmas. The wonderful part about it is that anyone can pack a shoebox for the kids and personalize it.

My mom had my niece Grace (6) and nephew Ian (12) both fill shoeboxes before we went to the event; they filled them for another little girl and boy and wrapped the boxes.

The Packing Party event itself also had ALL kinds of supplies and toys for people to go there and pack more boxes. Gymboree donated thousands of cute little girls' pajamas.

Other people donated tons of other things: toothbrushes and toothpaste, coloring books, toys, stuffed animals, pencils and pens, notebooks, soaps. They had it set up so that you started with a box and went around to every table to pack the box filled with things for a little boy or a little girl.

Then we were able to write a letter and put it in the box telling the child something about ourselves.

We then prayed over the boxes and got them ready to send. While we were there they breached the 3,000 box mark, and that was only for our location! It's such a great cause and I'm so happy that these children who may not have received gifts this Christmas will get something from someone, even someone that they've never met. It was also great for Grace and Ian and the other children there to think about giving to someone else this Christmas.

It is National Collection Week for Operation Christmas Child, which means there's still time to get a shoebox packed and dropped off at a location.
http://www.samaritanspurse.org/index.php/OCC/index/

cielo

Phil Wickham:
I'm walking through the bright white gates, breathing in & out Your grace;
All around me melodies rise that echo with the joy inside.
So I start to sing......but I can't sing loud enough, I can't sing loud enough,
When I'm singing for You, my God.
No, I can't sing loud enough, I can't sing loud enough,
When I'm singing for You, my God.
With a thunder roll & a brilliant light, Your glory bursts & the heavens shine;
The saints & angels stand in awe, captured by the beauty of it all,
So I fall to my knees.....but I can't bow low enough, I can't bow low enough,
At the vision of You, my God.
I can't bow low enough, I can't bow low enough,
At the vision of You, my God.
I can't hold it all inside,
I'm reaching for the One who brought me out of death & into life.
Now I can't lift my hands high enough, lift my hands high enough,
When I'm reaching for You, my God.
I can't lift my hands high enough, lift my hands high enough,
When I'm reaching for You, I'm reaching for You.
I can't lift my hands high enough, lift my hands high enough,
When I'm reaching for You, my God.
I can't lift my hands high enough, lift my hands high enough,
When I'm reaching for You, my God.
Cielo...

November Showers

It's finally fall outside! It's Monday and we had a great November weekend with Dad visiting full of some of my favorite things: Beer, Band of Brothers, Apple Hill, Indian Food, Football, Videogames, Pizza, Snuggly Rainy Weather. We went to Salmon Falls and hung out by the river on Friday, had a throw-rocks-at-another-rock-and-whoever-hits-it-first-wins contest, (I won 2/2 beating Rachel, Dad, and Chris. Call me Lincecum.)
Saturday we went to Apple Hill, first getting a flat tire at a nasty spot in El Dorado Hills, but it all worked out. Made it up to the little fruit market before dusk and had some hot apple cider. It was so beautiful up there with the vineyards and the sunset. Then we stuffed ourselves at an old stomping ground of ours, an Indian Restaurant in Folsom. It was packed, and we later found out that they were celebrating Diwali, a Hindu holiday. It was DELICIOUS and I could eat Indian food every day of the rest of my life. They probably do that in India.
Sunday was rain, football, In n Out, Pizza, Band of Brothers mini-marathon. Love. I think I gained ten pounds this weekend!
I dropped Dad off at the airport this morning and went to Mom's; we spent all day going through boxes of photos. I have been alive 22 years and I have already done, seen, and had so much. It's unbelievable when I take a look at my life and I thank God for everything.

how great Thou art!

O Lord my God,
When I in awesome wonder
Consider all
The works Thy Hand hath made,
I see the stars,
I hear the mighty thunder,
Thy pow'r throughout
The universe displayed;

When through the woods
And forest glades I wander
I hear the birds
Sing sweetly in the trees;
When I look down
From lofty mountain grandeur
And hear the brook
And feel the gentle breeze;

Then sings my soul,
My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art!
How great Thou art!
Then sings my soul,
My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art!
How great Thou art!

When Christ shall come,
With shouts of acclamation,
And take me home,
What joy shall fill my heart!
Then I shall bow
In humble adoration
And there proclaim,
"My God, how great Thou art!"

Then sings my soul,
My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art!
How great Thou art!
Then sings my soul,
My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art!
How great Thou art!

from The Shipping News

"Tell him. What? That he was wondering if love came in other colors than the basic black of none and the red heat of obsession?"

for book geeks

It's really frustrating in this day & age how few used bookstores there are anymore, unless you live in Seattle or Portland. Borders & Barnes & Noble are extremely overpriced and Amazon isn't as fun. There's nothing like a used bookstore for going through hundreds of bad books to find a gem of a great one. This is why I will never get into the Kindle or any other eReader. It's all in the discovery.

A couple days ago, I was thrifting with my mom when I had a huge discovery. We went to three different thrift stores and all of them had, not only TONS of books, but some great finds in great conditions, for really CHEAP! I got a little too excited. I spent 20 bucks for three bags full. The point of this entry to anyone who is reading: definitely go to thrift stores for used books. I know not all of them will have a good selection, the stores in LA had crap, although I did find a nice copy of The Pillars Of The Earth there, but I think I spent $8 or $9 for it. A good deal but not a steal. If you live in Sacramento, you'll find steals! Until they realize, and raise their prices. Here are the books I bought!

Un Lun Dun by China Mieville for $2
I've been wanting to read this so I was so excited to find it, and this is a beautiful hardcover copy in perfect condition. It actually still has the Borders sticker on the back with the list price of $17.95. Yes, this is technically a young adult novel. Sue me.

Honolulu by Alan Brennert (author of Moloka'i) for $2
Another book I've been wanting to read, got a nice paperback edition.

John Irving's Three Complete Novels for $2
I almost peed myself when I found this, perfect hardcover, my favorite author, three of his novels that I haven't read yet: Setting Free The Bears, The Water-Method Man, The 158-Pound Marriage.

Stephen King's On Writing for $2
Another gorgeous hardcover edition in perfect condition, something I've been wanting to read.

Angel's Game by Carlos Ruiz Zafon for $2
I was shocked to find this, a perfect hardcover, because I just finished Carlos Ruiz Zafon's other book The Shadow Of The Wind and was planning on getting this one next.

Smaller paperback/mass market copies for $3 total:
The Screwtape Letters
Pilgrim's Progress
Billy Budd, Sailor
The Cider House Rules

and we're caught up in the crossfire of Heaven & Hell

It's so weird to be back in Sacramento. I don't remember what I used to do when I lived here. I guess that's why I left in the first place, because I wanted a change, but I know I just haven't tried enough to experience things around here.
It's strange, though, to have old memories everywhere I go again. It seems like everything reminds me of a time in my life; I've either worked or lived in almost every area here. It's almost overwhelming. And even though it was a short time that I was gone, a lot has changed. My mom's house and my sister's house are both places that I've only stayed in while visiting, so this section of Sac is new to me.

The past couple days have been in the 100s, and it's ridiculous. I have a pathetic semester at school, one Microeconomics class, but it will be good to focus on it. I feel so unmotivated lately, usually these periods of apathy don't last this long.

With all this free time, I really want to spend time writing, working on languages, poetry. I think sometimes I spend too much time reading, and I am lucky to be able to take advantage of this time doing things I want to do like learning on my own and getting stuff written. Speaking of reading, I need to "review" The Shadow of the Wind. Anyone who loves books needs to read it. It is marvelous, darling.

but the spotlight makes you nervous

The "R" key on my laptop is acting up. I definitely need that one.
I feel the need to write just to write, instead of reviewing something or trying to sound like I know what I'm talking about. Plus there are so many changes in my life right now, and, change is good. The main part of my brain instantly rejects change, but, there's another part that loves it and needs it. I think my mind and body just NEED to feel anxious and that's one way to get there. But it is good, because with change comes experiences.

In a few days, I am packing all of my things into a rented car and driving back to Sacramento. I'm grateful to my big sister Rachel and her hubby Chris for taking a poor loser like me in off the street. ;)
I need to figure something out, and while I want it to be school, I'm afraid after a few months there I'll just get stir-crazy again. But I can't pretend like I have something going for me because frankly, I don't. And that's not low self esteem that's just reality. There are plenty of people in their thirties even that don't know what they're doing, so I'll live. I'm not too worried about it, except for the lack of security. Wanting to go places and do things that I can't afford. It'll work out, I just need to be patient.

Every time I type "work" it comes out "wok" because of my "R" problems.

Anyway. Right now in Long Beach I have the coolest roommates, and that's been very fun. Michelle, Natalie, Melissa, and Amaris, who is staying at home right now so I only got to meet her once. But God really blessed me with them, because it could have been a disaster. I've been going out a lot and watching a lot of movies lately. I used to hate watching new movies and I'd just rewatch my favorites, but I've changed. And I've actually become sort of a movieholic. I've been seeing a lot of movies in theaters for the past couple of years, but I've been watching some "oldies" too as of late. Brokedown Palace, Mansfield Park, Phoebe in Wonderland, Expelled, Paranormal Activity, Closer. None of those are really old at all. Natalie is a film major and recommended some to me. I also watched JGL's Uncertainty, The Book of Eli. I also watched The Lord of the Rings trilogy in 3 days. As far as books go, I've finished Don't Let's Go To The Dogs Tonight, which I really wanted to like but had trouble getting through it. Narrative of the Life of Fredrick Douglass was good, and short. I just finished The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo which was addicting and I'll have to get the other two books later. But yesterday I started Shadow of the Wind, by Carlos Ruiz Zafon. I've been wanting to start it for a while now, and I can already tell I will love it. He is a great writer. All in all, I've had a lot of time on my hands, if you couldn't tell.


I think my self esteem has taken a big trip down the crapper. I must work on that. I have a good feeling that when I am home and I am around my family and old friends again, it will repair itself naturally. Actually, I know it will. I am really good at being single.
It really bums me out that by the time I truly figure myself out, I will be too old to have the energy to take advantage of it. I feel like I am in a permanent identity crisis and it's just getting on my nerves. One day I will decide I am happy with myself and the next day I will wonder how I am coming across to other people. It's so stupid because logically I know who I am and what I believe about things, but I can't get rid of this inner dialogue. I've been out of teenagerdom for three years now, I thought I would be done with this. I just get so paranoid. I'll probably look back at this in five years and laugh at myself. Hopefully.

The past two years have been such a wild ride and I am so glad I made the decision to come here for this adventure. I will really miss all of the friends I made here. And I will really miss Long Beach. It is unique to the LA area, it really is. Of course, everything down here is a crowded mess, but, Long Beach is special because it's a big city that feels like a small town in certain places. It's close enough to downtown LA, it has a fun nightlife, the ocean is right there, and the weather is so perfect. The houses and shops have character, there's always something to do here, in a way, it feels like the center of everything. But Sacramento has a lot to offer too, and I am excited to explore the nightlife in midtown, since when I left I hadn't yet turned 21. And I do miss my family, the dogs in my family, and my niece and nephew are growing up and I'm not there to be a good aunt. I can't forget about the fact that my life affects more than just me. So in that respect, I am excited. And there's nothing like being in a place that you've spent eight years of your life in. It will work for awhile. :) But I can't help feeling a little nervous about the transition. I'll be okay.

Can I end this post by telling you what an utter PIG I have been today? When I woke up, I went through the McDonald's drive-thru and got large fries, an oreo McFlurry, and an iced mocha. Then I got a Subway sandwich, at least it was a 6' and not a foot long. Thankfully, I couldn't eat all of that in one sitting so I was able to spread the fat around. I'm actually indulging on the McFlurry as I type this. I make myself sick and RIGHT when I get home I'm putting the stress eating to rest. And beer drinking. And staying up until 4:00AM and sleeping in until 1:00PM. Ew, I sound like Lindsay or something. And sadly, you know who I speak of.

Inception

"...it's pure creation."

I'm absolutely obsessed with this movie. It is poetry.
The concept, the brilliance of it, the mysteries, the pain, the letting go.
Dreaming will never be the same again.
An idea is never just an idea.


There's definitely something about dreaming that is completely intriguing. We have no control, and we know so little about why we're dreaming what we're dreaming. We just accept it. And it begs the question, how many of our 'ideas' actually do stem from our dreams? And can that really be coincidental or is our subconscious or something else manipulating our dreams?

[Spoilers starting now..] I saw Inception yesterday and went back to see it again today. Never has a 2 1/2 hour movie gone by so quickly. Usually I can't handle long movies, but, this one is really special. Everything that must be explained is done so extremely well. It doesn't have a lot of unnecessary jargon that you aren't-really-supposed-to-understand-but-still-must-go-along-with. But it doesn't feel dumbed down, either. It also doesn't have a ridiculous amount of overbearing science fiction that gets in the way of the rest of the plot. This movie was very suave in that way. We're able to have this brilliant concept and still remain in a world that we recognize. We're not transported to some future time that we don't completely understand.

Scenes I loved:

1) The anti-gravity fight scenes with Joseph Gordon-Levitt were unbelievable. Blew me away.
2) The first ten minutes. I really wasn't able to fully appreciate them until seeing the movie for a second time. There are a few things that you can't understand until you know what's happening. For instance, when Arthur says, "what's going on up there?" We assume he means upstairs or outside, but he's actually referring to the dream level prior to the one they're in.
3) The hotel room ledge scene was beautiful and so tragic. Cobb's painful reaction.
4) In the room at the chemist's lab where the people come to sleep. What the old man says: "They don't come here to sleep, they come here to wake up...who are you to tell them otherwise?"
5) I love what Cobb says to Mal as he is in Limbo with her for the last time. With all of her complexities and imperfections, this projection he has created of her will never be his real wife and is just a shade. Beautiful.
6) The final homecoming scene. So emotional. Definitely reminded me of Lost.
7) Of course, when Arthur kisses Ariadne. Sigh.

Similarities/Possible References:

A. There are at least 2 connections to Lost.
1) We have the flight from Sydney, Australia to Los Angeles. It's necessary that they take this long flight, so it's probably an unintentional reference, but, it's still something.
2) And we have the Totems vs. the Constants. It's beautiful. These small objects that are personal to them and keep their minds connected to reality.

B. The song that is repeated throughout the movie and that is used as a kick is Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien by Edith Piaf. The actress who plays Mal in Inception, Marion Cotillard, also played Edith Piaf in her bio pic La Vie en Rose. The title of this song also means "No, I regret nothing." It is a meaningful message in this context, as they need to be kicked back from their current dream and let go. No regrets.

C. One of my favorite movies of all time is What Dreams May Come, a movie about the afterlife and eternal love. A man and his journey to the depths of hell to rescue his wife from the underworld. There are so many similarities between WDMC and the scenes with Mal in Inception.


The Acting:

I think everyone did a wonderful job. The casting is rather strange, but it works.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt: I've been in love with Joseph Gordon-Levitt('s acting) for awhile, and I am so happy for him with this movie. He completely stood on his own. He was witty, smart, and I thought had a lot of chemistry as a sidekick to Leo. While the other films he's been in are really great, he definitely deserves some big-time recognition from this role. Oh, and, talk about a sharp dresser, that Arthur. He is a walking GQ model.

Ellen Page: I'm not a fan of Ellen Page, but she was neutral in this role and was tolerable. I liked her character, she was very important to the understanding, and she played it well.

Leonardo di Caprio: Leonardo di Caprio has never really stood out to me; his roles always seem to be pretty much the same. But in this movie, his acting was wonderful and so heartfelt. The scene on the hotel room ledge just completely broke my heart. And I must say, his makeup artist needs an Oscar, because he doesn't look a day over 30.

Marion Cotillard: I don't have much of an opinion on Marion Cotillard, but she's beautiful and very much fits the part.

The other roles: Saito, Eames, Yusuf, Fischer, etc. They were well-played but unexceptional. I had a difficult time understanding Saito a lot of the time.

The Final Scene:

The ending was filmed to perfection. Cobb's reaction as he is waking up in the airplane is perfect. As far as the very end, I have to believe that it stops spinning. But I love the mystery.

If I must complain about two things it would be these:

1) There are many gunfights and people shooting at close-range, but most everyone escapes unscathed. Even the sleeping characters in the van don't get harmed. It makes it pretty difficult to believe. But that's pretty minor and happens in movies a lot.

2) While they're in the third level of the dream, time seems to be a little off between the second and third levels. It seems like an obvious thing to make a mistake about, so maybe I am not understanding something. But there is a point when they have an hour left in the third level, so according to Cobb, Arthur only has three minutes to complete his mission. Then, when they only have twenty minutes in the third level, Cobb says that Arthur still has a couple minutes.

3) Why wasn't Juicy by Biggie used in the film's ending credits? IT WAS ALL A DREAAAM!

I honestly think Inception has just made it into my top 3 favorite movies. It's so difficult to put them in order, but I am completely blown away by the brilliance of this movie. If this doesn't sweep the Oscars, I will be very disappointed. Christopher Nolan, you are a mastermind.

UPDATE: Now that a lot of people have seen it and are talking about it, it really surprises me that people have different reactions to the ending. It was PERFECT. I loved it. And there is NO doubt whatsoever in my mind that the totem toppled, and I cannot believe that others don't believe that it did. It sort of insults the point of his ending in the first place which was to make you gasp a little and then realize the brilliance of letting the shot go to black. It wasn't, in my humble opinion, meant to make the audience question if it fell or not. If the totem kept spinning, then so much of the rest of the movie would be a fallacy. Also, I have heard of another perspective which is that Cobb was the target from the beginning. It's an interesting thought, but, still deceptive. Why would any of the other scenes exist at all? I stand by my opinion.
BUT I would like to see it for a 4th time to make sure of one other possibility, which is that, when he was put under in the chemists "sleeping" room, that the rest of everything was a dream after that. Because we do know that we were unable to see his totem fall after that scene, when he was in the bathroom checking his totem and Saito interrupted him. That would be an interesting development, but still would make me wonder what the point of the rest of the movie was.

Am I a nerd or what?

4th of July

Happy Independence Day, America!

Darn those Brits, with their powdered wigs and tea and stuff.

Scents & Suds

Time for a silly and pointless blog entry! I'm really not a high-maintenance person, but I LOVE girly scents, lotions, and yummy bath products. And I'm obsessed with body washes. The best thing about yummy smells is that I go through phases of scents and they remind me of different parts of my life. When I smell Bath & Body Works Sweet Pea lotion, I'm immediately transported back to Middle School.

I wanted to make a blog of all the delicious things at the moment that make getting ready fun. :)

1. Bath & Body Works Eucalyptus Spearmint

-This is my all-time favorite scent and has been for years, for lotion, body wash, etc. It is SO relaxing and unique.

2. The Body Shop Rich Plum Shower Gel

-This shower gel smells so good that it's tempting to taste. Plum is a really unique scent and it's so delicious.

3. SoftSoap Body Butter Coconut Scrub

-This stuff is yum-o. I like it best for nighttime showers, and in the wintertime because this stuff is creamy, smells sweet, but feels warm and toasty and makes me want to snuggle up in a lot of blankets. Plus it's a scrub, which I love, but it's still gentle. PLUS it's not at all overly coconut. I'm not big on coconut, but I love this.

4. Victoria's Secret Heavenly / Super Model

-Victoria's Secret Heavenly is probably my favorite lotion. I love the smell and I'm not even really sure what it reminds me of. Super Model doesn't really smell as good, it smells like a lot of things that have tint to them, but it's infused with pretty glitter.

5. Nina Ricci
-Perfume or lotion, this stuff is delicious. She has the apple-shaped bottle (that sued the Twilight perfume people, because they made the same exact bottle) and it smells sweet and slightly fruity.

6. Estee Lauder Pleasures Exotic & Pleasures Intense

-I've loved this perfume for a long time, it reminds me of Hawaii. Smells like flowers and tropics. All Pleasures perfumes are delicious.

7. Michael Kors Very Hollywood

-This perfume is so yummy! It's good for going out at night, it's crisp and fun, and reminds me of melon.

8. Bath & Body Works Coconut Lime Verbena foaming body wash

-I LOVE the idea of foaming body wash, it's so fun. It pumps like foaming hand soaps do, and this one smells like delicious key lime pie. So refreshing after a workout.

9. Origins Gloomaway Grapefruit Body Wash/Bubble Bath

-This stuff is to die for. Being both a body wash AND a bubble bath, is incredible. The scent is so fresh and tasty. Definitely chases away the gloom.

Beach Music

"...and it was here I had fallen in love with these books and authors in a way that only lifelong readers know and understand. A good movie had never once affected me in the same life-changing way a good book could. Books had the power to alter my view of the world forever. A great movie could change my perceptions for a day." - Beach Music

Beach Music by Pat Conroy is about Jack McCall, a man from South Carolina who moves to Rome, Italy with his young daughter Leah after his wife Shyla commits suicide. Jack McCall is cynical, anti-religion, judgemental, and in my opinion, not very likable. But his experiences are relatable, and this book is his personal journey. Jack is avoiding his childhood and his beginnings, in hopes that he can raise Leah in a poison-free environment. Free from the sickness that is the South, his family, his past. Due to an illness in the family, he finds himself reluctantly going back to America with his daughter and facing the demons of his past. Reading about South Carolina makes me desperately want to go back. I was born there and haven't seen it since we left when I was a toddler, but I want to feel the other coast and the air that I was born in. The way Conroy writes, I feel like I'm there. Beach Music covers the drama and love that comes with family and the pain and pleasures of growing up; relives the horrors of the Holocaust and of times of hardship in the South.

This book is about redemption, forgiveness, adapting, moving on.

One of the last trips I took to Oklahoma was when my sister Rachel and I went for my grandmother Mama Mary's memorial service October of 2009. It was a hard time because her death was so unexpected. We went to her house that we had known from the time we were toddlers. To us, it's always seemed huge, clean, open, quiet, and beautiful. Such a sweet and peaceful neighborhood, all the houses made of brick. I've always loved the narrow staircase in the middle of the house, next to the kitchen, circling up to the upstairs loft where Rachel and I would sleep when we were there. The snow in winter. The big, unfenced yard in the back and the playground nearby that we'd play on, even in the cold when we were all bundled up. The summer we collected all of the rose rocks, hosed them clean, laid them in the sun on the sidewalk only to have them be stolen hours later.

I always had this picture in my mind of Mama Mary's house and what it was to me. And I always imagined that I'd love to have a house like hers someday. I know it was the staircase and the upstairs loft that made us love the house so much; to us kids, it felt like an adventure. My grandmother was gentle and caring, and she read a lot. On this visit, we looked through her bookcase and took a few books back with us. My Dad told me to grab Beach Music.

The incredible thing is that Lucy McCall, mother of Jack McCall and his four brothers, reminds me of my grandmother. And Jack and his brothers remind me of my Dad and my Uncle David. But most of all, the relationships are the same. At 120 pages in, when Jack's mother and brothers are introduced, I noticed the resemblance. But it took a few minutes to make the connection of where I got the book from: Mama Mary's bookshelf. It gave me goosebumps when I thought of it. I want to believe that she read it too, and that it wasn't just on her bookshelf to read later. I want to believe that she noticed the same things that I noticed. It was then that I realized the powers of reading and that it's more than just what these books mean to me. It can be that knowing someone you love was captivated by the same story and the same people. I feel connected to Mama Mary in ways that I didn't feel before.

Maybe someday someone will feel connected to me in the same way: reading the pages that I've read, loving the lines that I also loved.

Cabin in Tahoe

This weekend was so relaxing. As a late birthday gift to me, and just for a vacation, Rachel, Chris, and Mom got a cabin in Tahoe for the weekend. I flew up to Sacramento on Wednesday and we drove up to the cabin on Friday.

It is so cute and cozy, with an outdoor hot tub and deck, fireplace, upstairs loft.

We played Scrabble every night, relaxed in the hot tub, and watched movies. It was so nice and Tahoe is always beautiful. I love this time of year because there's still snow high up on the mountains but it's nice and warm and sunny.

We walked a trail to Nevada beach, went to Pope beach, spent a short time at the casinos. I hit a Royal Flush! Yeah, it was a penny machine, but I got $60 out of it and that's exactly how much I'd put in already.
One of the best parts about being up there in the clear air, besides the peace and quiet, was bringing Shadow with us. He loved staring out the window at the nature. For the first time, I really thought about how it would be to live up there. There was a time when it looked like I was going to move there way back when, but this time I can really imagine it. Fires every night, "small-town" living, going for hikes and enjoying the outdoors.

Now it's back to the hustle-bustle of Southern California. At least the weather's been warm and breezy. I definitely feel recharged and ready for summer. But I do miss the quiet, and my family. :)

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Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Psalms 51:10

Lost: The End

Okay, I know this is about two weeks late. I know. I wanted to write a short blog right after the Lost Finale aired, but I didn't do it. And to make up a reason for it, I could say that I was letting it sink in, but really I just never did it, just because. I don't really want to get into all the specifics of the episode, or theories, I just want to briefly give my thoughts. Because someone out there MUST care what I am thinking, about the Lost finale, me. Rhonnie.

First of all, I admit. There was that initial moment as Jack's eye closed, that I felt, and many others must have felt, this pit in my stomach of confusion and breathlessness: "Wait. No. What?" But let's face it. That feeling would probably be there no matter what happened. It was an "IT'S OVER" miserable feeling that the whole FINAL episode brought on. It was inevitable. What was also inevitable was never getting all the answers that we desired. As frustrating as it is, writers Damon and Carlton warned us that plenty answers weren't getting answered. We must move on. But..But..But..

After the initial shock was over, I had a second to determine for myself that NO, they were NOT dead from Day one. The island life was very real and they all died when they died. Just like everyone on this beautiful Earth dies. Not everyone wants it, but it happens. And hopefully Kate and Sawyer(and company) were able to live long, happy lives off the island. (Because they're real people.) As Francis reminded me, Kate told Jack, "I've missed you so much," which most likely indicates that she had plenty of time to miss ol' Jack. Which, as other blogs have put it, seems a little sad that she maybe didn't find much else to keep her occupied off the island. But wouldn't you miss someone that you spent the weirdest time of your life with? Running from a smoke monster makes you very close. I digress.

Another scene that became one of my favorites was the Ben and Hurley scene outside of the church. Imagining what their time together may have been like is really sweet. It could have lasted a year or a century. And poor Ben, who still has so many hangups, waits outside the church thinking to himself and working things out. Brilliant. If they settled with this because they were looking for a way for him not to be in the church, because he didn't fit like the others did, they found a perfect way. But in all seriousness, Ben simply is not ready to pass. I love that aspect.

Christian and Jack's scene together in the back of the church was a moving one, and in my opinion, a pivotal one. Christian explains so much in a couple of minutes. Everyone dies, whether it happens before you or after you. You all have created this place to be together once again. This setting that knows no real place in time, it has no beginning or end, and everyone is there at once, although their lives have ended at different "times" on Earth. It's beautiful, and I think, a perfect way to end the show. Life ends, and who do you want with you when it does?

I accept that the island is a special place. Jacob and MIB represented things at times, or maybe they didn't. Maybe if the MIB left the island, the whole entire world would implode, or maybe nothing at all would happen. It's not horrible that everything didn't find it's place. Walt was a special kid, maybe for no reason at all. That bird definitely did say "Hurley." What was that damned statue? What part did Ilana play in all these shenanagans? Where did the numbers originally come from? But most of all, I would like to know why the actor that played Mr. Eko decided to part from the show. He broke my little heart.


The "Flash-Sideways" world can be interpreted differently by different people. In my opinion, it's an in-between. Sort of an "unfinished business" type place where the characters live without knowing the truth, until they are reminded by a very emotional time in their real lives. When they are willing to accept that their lives have ended, they can move on to that better place. In the end, I see it that we are to be people "of faith" and interpret the end as we see fit. For instance, I'd like to think that Desmond was able to get off the island and make it back to Penny and Charlie. But in the end, they all end up together again. It is sort of a broad brush stroke kind of peace, but it's peace nonetheless.

I commend the writers and creators for making something that will forever be a part of TV history. There are people who have spent 6 years watching and loving this show. I watched seasons 1 through 4 a year and a half ago to catch up, so I've spent less time than most, but it was enough to get very involved. And I know that if Lost had gone out with a whimper and wasn't even able to have a final episode (ahem, Heroes) than this would still be an incredible show. Think back to The Constant and how beautiful that was, or the moments of pure SHOCK like Walkabout. Or, how about, Ab Aeterno? I'll never forget that episode. And we were left thinking about different connections, theories, racking our brains for answers and signs. We created this crazy spun-out world based on something that, frankly, never promised us all the answers. And that's okay! Weren't we all left thinking about so much more, like the meaning of life, and the people we have in it? And our purpose? Well, I think that's the point, and I love it. There will be a day, maybe a long time from now, where I meet the people I love most in a beautiful place surrounded by Heavenly light and pass on together with them. And I can't wait to be able to spend that time with Desmond, Penny, Claire, Charlie, Sawyer, Juliet, Jack, and Kate. Because they'll be there with me. That's what the finale really meant, right?

Middlesex & I Know This Much is True

Francis and I went to this really cool panel at the LA Times Festival of Books this year about Time. There were different authors and scientists talking about time and it's relation to different parts of our lives, as tangible as time when we sleep or memory and time, to as vast as time in the universe, and what we know about what it can and cannot do. Entropy and Time. We know time can go forwards, but why not backwards? I must say, these types of conversations don't register too high on my interest level. I appreciate that people dedicate their lives to this science, not because I think we'd be lost without knowing these things, but because their dedication is admirable. Find your biggest passion and go after it full force.

I just have my doubts about how much we need to know when it comes to certain things. The fact that time cannot go backwards, only forward, is something that I'm willing to accept. The daytime sky is blue, grass is (usually) green, and the earth is in orbit. If time travel is limited to science fiction novels it would be fine with me. I guess it's similar to the Man of Science vs. Man of Faith debate. Don't get me wrong, science is very interesting to me, and everyone knows it's important. Without science exploration we might think the world is a square and that the moon is made out of cotton and we'd all still have polio. But I'm willing to have faith that things are the way they are, just because. And although I believe in the old adage that "anything is possible," there are some things we may not be able to do. And I'm okay with that. We're only humans, after all.

I've never given too much thought to psychology. I guess what I mean by that is, I never really think much about the inner workings of the brain, about who we are based on how our genes map us out before we can even speak, neurology. Nature vs. Nurture. It's very interesting but I've never gone out of my way to study it. I am grateful for those that do, because the brain is a complicated bunch of mush. What has me thinking lately about psychology in particular is that I read two books back to back recently with similar topics. Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides and I Know This Much is True by Wally Lamb.

Middlesex is a book about Calliope Stephanides, born a Greek girl in Detroit, Michigan. She tells her story beginning with her Greek grandmother and grandfather who leave their homeland due to the Turkish invasion, and are able to survive by pretending they are French to board a ship to America. The kicker: Calliope's grandmother and grandfather are also brother and sister who realize their love for one another just before fleeing their village. They are able to marry on the ship by pretending they met there, and they begin their life fresh together in America, moving in with their cousin and her husband in Detroit.

Eugenides is a brilliant writer, and manages to capture an entire family history before really honing in on our main character, Calliope. Her story is relatable, as she manages to make it through awkward youth, feeling different and out of place. She's tall and lanky and has long, wild hair that she uses as a personal comfort zone. She goes through periods with a girlfriend she meets at her all-girls school, becomes very close with her and begins to develop feelings. Eventually, she realizes that there's something there that is different from others as she continues to feel out of place in her own body. Calliope is a hermaphrodite. The reader knows this from page one, Calliope knows this while telling her family history, but for most of her childhood until her teens, she and her family do not. When she finds out, her world is turned upside down and she doesn't know who she is anymore. Her first person account of what she goes through, from undergoing tests with a doctor in New York, to running away and hitchhiking to San Francisco, make a coming of age story like no other. It's a very interesting take on how a family history can affect a person, and how everyone is different and must carry on the way they feel comfortable.

After Middlesex I picked up I Know This Much is True. My sister read this awhile ago and loved it. It follows main character Dominic through his struggles with his twin brother Thomas, a troubled schizophrenic. The two brothers are raised in a household with their mother and stepfather, and are unaware of their biological father's identity. Dominic, now in his late thirties, hates his abusive stepfather for how he treated his stepsons, but maintains a shallow relationship with him because he is the only father he knows. Dominic feels a constant obligation to take care of his brother, both because he is his twin and because he promised their meek mother that he would. What's interesting to see in this novel is how Dominic, who has a lot of anger, learns to deal with his own demons. He's always been the "normal" brother, but in reality, he's far from stable.

The very interesting part of this novel is when Dominic reveals that his mother gave him his grandfather's long life history. Dominic and Thomas were born after their grandfather's death, and Dominic finally decides to get it translated from Italian and begin reading it. What he reads is interesting; his grandfather tells of coming to America from Italy and working to make his way. Dominic finds his grandfather to be arrogant and horrible, but he continues reading. His grandfather takes us through pieces of Dominic's family history, something that Dominic has had no prior knowledge of, and somehow helps him deal with the anger he no longer wants to have and the person he does not want to be.

One of the things I love most about books are when they get you thinking about things you aren't prone to thinking about. Seldom do I consider my family history and the choices my ancestors made and how they got me to where I am. I rarely ponder the functionality of my brain or the psychology of my life. I know that there are many troubled souls out there, and if we didn't have a few in our own family than who would we be? And who would they have on their side? And most of all, we've got to get through some trying times in this life. Hopefully we can be all the better for it.

Semi Precious Bead Salon

Today Francis and I went to Santa Monica for a nice summer Saturday. The weather was beautiful! Sunny, warm, nice breeze. My Dad gave me a gift certificate to a place in Santa Monica for Christmas and I've finally had the chance to go down there. Well..I've had the chance, but, wanted to make a day of it. It takes at least 30 minutes to get there from where I live with traffic, and today's traffic was horrendous. I seriously hope people who were born and raised in Los Angeles know that this stuff is not normal.

Semi Precious Bead Salon (http://www.semipreciousbeadsalon.com/) is a cute little shop on Montana Avenue in Santa Monica, about five minutes from the beach and Santa Monica Pier. (Again, or 20 minutes with traffic.) It's not a huge space but it's got a great window in the front, currently with photos set up of photographer Gisele Lubsen (http://www.giselelubsen.com/). Lubsen specializes in Conceptual Underwater photography which is incredible and groundbreaking. The photos up in the shop are themed with shots of legends and fairytales, for example, Snow White and Red Riding Hood. Beautiful.

On the tables in the shop are bowls filled with different stones, all organized by color themes. The store has some premade jewelry that you can purchase, but the main idea is to design your own. They have scheduled classes on the art of wire-wrapping jewelry and beading on Saturdays. In addition to the beads and stones, they have different chains to choose from for your jewelry. I would love to go back and have a ring made, but while I was there I designed two necklaces, that I LOVE. One setback, it's quite pricy. Thanks to my dad, I could let my creative juices flow without worrying too much about prices! :D And thanks to the associates at the shop, since I don't know how to make jewelry, they are there to put them together the way you want it. I love them! Quality-wise, the jewelry you walk out with is comparable to anything you'd spend a lot of money on in a boutique or in Nordstrom's.
This place is definitely worth checking out! I feel like a genuine jewelry designer. It's similar to a post-Color Me Mine or Build-A-Bear feeling. Thanks Dad!

Miles for Melanoma

Yesterday was the Miles for Melanoma 5k race in Fullerton. I've never done a race before, it wasn't a big marathon or anything, but it was really cool! I couldn't sleep the night before, though, I think I finally fell asleep after 2AM and had to wake up at around 5:30AM to get there to register. The race started at 8AM. The trail was really rocky and uneven, with SO many inclines. I'm not used to running on anything unpaved, and now I'm really sore. I finished in 38 minutes ;) About 12 minutes a mile. Yeah..that sounds about right. That is exactly where I was in High School. Ha! I'm not a natural runner at all, it kills me. I'm not even a natural jogger! But I force myself to do it because of the feeling afterward. It's amazing how accomplishing something so small makes you feel so good!
Most importantly, it benefits and brings attention to Melanoma, a cancer that gets so little funding for research. It was really great to be a part of, and I know it meant a lot to the survivors that participated.
There were free skin checks and the doctor was a funny older Asian man. He pointed out how the tops of my arms were tan and the white "lizard's belly" of my wrist and forearm is my natural skin color. "Look! This is so beautiful! See, you have pale skin and pale eyes, like Scandinavian, and your face..you should embrace this color!"
The sun is so tempting...but he's right. Sigh.

The End of Lost is tonight. I can't think about anything else! :/

Lovely Women

"And one gathers from this enormous modern literature of confession and self–analysis that to write a work of genius is almost always a feat of prodigious difficulty. Everything is against the likelihood that it will come from the writer's mind whole and entire. Generally material circumstances are against it. Dogs will bark; people will interrupt; money must be made; health will break down. Further, accentuating all these difficulties and making them harder to bear is the world's notorious indifference. It does not ask people to write poems and novels and histories; it does not need them. It does not care whether Flaubert finds the right word or whether Carlyle scrupulously verifies this or that fact. Naturally, it will not pay for what it does not want. And so the writer, Keats, Flaubert, Carlyle, suffers, especially in the creative years of youth, every form of distraction and discouragement. A curse, a cry of agony, rises from those books of analysis and confession. 'Mighty poets in their misery dead'—that is the burden of their song. if anything comes through in spite of all this, it is a miracle, and probably no book is born entire and uncrippled as it was conceived..."
-Virginia Woolf from A Room of One's Own

"I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited."
-Sylvia Plath

A Dream I Had

Me and Francis are on a drive. He is taking me somewhere for the weekend. He drives a long way, I'm not sure where we're going, and I think I'm sleeping most of the way. He brought our friend's dog for some reason, it doesn't really occur to me until later that it was a stupid decision. He packed me a very small bag; I opened it to find a couple sweaters that I never wear anymore.

We finally get to this beautiful inn over a big beautiful river. He goes inside to make the arrangements and I stay outside looking around. There are people everywhere, it's sort of a carnival. There's this crazy contraption in the middle of a field that a woman is inside of, it's some kind of ride. It looks like a cage but it's swinging her around in the air in all directions. It seems very dangerous, and at the end the cage turns into a big Jonah's whale, and she exits it. To the left is a beautiful view of a huge European looking bridge over more water.

I strike up a conversation with a woman to the right of me, she sees the book I'm holding and says that she thinks it's really good. She travels on down the road, she says she's off somewhere with her husband. I go back inside, the hallway is very small. There is a small dining room where a man is talking with two Middle-Eastern men with big black beards and turbans. It seems to be their hotel room, or part of a restaurant, but there isn't a window between us, it's a thin veil-like screen. They don't really notice me or anyone else, they're just talking to each other.

I'm off to the bathroom. Then i'm sitting in there for what seems like forever. Suddenly, I can't get up, I'm so dizzy and disoriented. I hear my Dad's voice from outside the door. I hear myself say, "What are you doing here?" I stumble out toward the bathroom door and see him, we're in his house. I feel so strange. I look in the mirror and my eyes are large green spots, no pupils. I'm trying to explain to him that there's something wrong with me. "Look, I have no pupils!" But he's going from room to room, unalarmed. Then he says, "Oh, you're just too good." I knew he meant good-natured, silly and naive. Then I woke up.

Lost Live: The Final Celebration

I still can't quite comprehend how last night happened. Like many great turns of events, it was like a staircase of a bunch of wonderful, "I'm pinching myself" moments and then before you know it you're at a Lost after-party, mingling with some of the actors and crew. With an open bar! But like Francis said.."Who CARES about the bar!!?"

It all started with a show that sold out in ten minutes. Francis was really interested in going to Lost Live: The Final Celebration at UCLA's Royce Hall. After the Lost Paleyfest panel a couple months ago, I was feeling pretty satisfied without spending a bunch more money. At Paleyfest, Francis had had Terry O'Quinn(Locke) sign his book, and we had seen Michael Emerson(Ben), Terry O'Quinn(Locke), Nestor Carbonell(Richard), Zuleikha Robinson(Ilana), Damon Lindelof, Carlton Cuse, the other writers and producers up there discussing the show. It was really really cool. So when this event came up, I knew it would be a lot more expensive, not to mention exclusive. Hence the selling out in ten minutes. After a lot of back and forth, Francis bought tickets on eBay.

The event was focused around Michael Giacchino, the Oscar-winning composer of the AMAZING music during Lost. The scenes that stand out are the emotional raft scene and the Oceanic 6 theme. The event would have the live music of Lost and Jorge Garcia(Hurley), Michael Emerson(Ben), and Nestor Carbonell(Richard). Then they would screen the episode before the finale, the "Penultimate Episode" (I didn't know that term existed.)

After three freeways of horrendous traffic, we finally made it to the UCLA campus. We parked really far away and had to walk a long way before making it to Royce Hall at around 7PM. The theater was gorgeous and even though our seats were technically the worst seats in the place, there wasn't really a bad view in there. And from our balcony, we could look down on the floor seats and gaze at the rich and semi-famous. I spotted Aziz Ansari sitting there, and Francis found the Dell guy. (DUDE! You're getting a Dell!) Samm Levine was there, from Freaks and Geeks and Inglourious Basterds.

The event began with some ABC execs introducing Damon and Carlton. They talked for a little bit, thanked everyone from ABC to J.J. Abrams to the fans and then began bringing out the people who made Lost what it is. The actors! Little did we know, more than just Michael, Jorge, and Nestor were there. There were markers on the stage for a whole gaggle of 'em. First was
Sterling Beaumon (young Ben).
Kim Dickens (Cassidy Phillips, Sawyer's baby mama).
Daniel Roebuck (Leslie Arzt!),
Lance Reddick (Abaddon, the creepy guy that pushes Locke in the wheelchair, etc.)
L. Scott Caldwell (Rose),
William Mapother (Ethan),
Titus Welliver (Man in Black),
Francois Chau (Dr. Chang),
Ian Somerhalder (Boone),
Rebecca Mader (Charlotte),
Jeremy Davies (Daniel Faraday!),
Sonya Walger (Penny!),
Henry Ian Cusick (Desmond!!),
Malcolm David Kelley (Walt),
Harold Perrineau (Michael),
Jorge Garcia (Hurley),
Daniel Dae Kim (Jin!),
Nestor Carbonell (Richard!),
Michael Emerson (Ben),
Josh Holloway (Sawyer).
It was so crazy seeing them all up there! Then they took their seats down in front and they were right below us. Their photos were on pieces of paper on the chairs they were to sit in.

Michael Giacchino came out next with the musicians. They played seven pieces and in between, a couple of the actors read letters. They were written by the writers and were meant to be from other people on the island that weren't showcased; other people writing to their loved ones from the stranded island when they first landed. "Messages in a bottle." They were really beautiful and dramatic. And while the music played, they showed stills from Lost on the big screen. It was so beautiful hearing that music live. The seven pieces were: LOST Main Theme, Hollywood and Vines, Oceanic 6, The Temple of Boom, Life and Death, The Tangled Web, and Parting Words. Many of the musicians have been playing the music for all six years and there were other musicians alongside them who are from the Colburn School of Performing Arts in Los Angeles.

As we were sitting there, teary-eyed from the beautiful music, I felt really blessed to be able to experience something like this live. I know a lot of people in the world aren't even able to see live concerts, much less from an Oscar-winning composer in a beautiful hall in Los Angeles. I thank God for the amazing experiences he gives us, every day. And thanks go to Francis for buying the tickets. :) Nearing the end of the musical performance, I could hear a woman behind us who was literally in tears. It was emotional. Then, after he spoke a few words, they played a piece from Up, which is what he won his Oscar for. That was one of my favorite parts of the evening. They were extremely strict about not bringing in any cell phones or cameras, and it makes sense why. The Penultimate Episode was next. This is the episode that will be airing next Tuesday. I still can't believe we actually watched a new episode of Lost in its entirety with the actors and creators of the show, on a big screen.

After the event, outside, there were workers dressed like Dharma Initiatives handing out vitamin water that instead were labeled "Dharma Water." We exited in the back of the hall so we began walking to the left so that we could make it around to the front of the building. The whole night had blown us away. As we were walking on this upper-level walkway bridge, we came across the side of the building where we could see a HUGE gorgeous patio. There were big banners hung up that said ABC LOST, a DJ with dance music, lights everywhere, outside heaters, and tons of people wearing leis with drinks. We were on a walkway across the parking lot, but we were still close to eye-level and had a prime spot to see the Lost after-party! (Who knew they were having one?) So we just stood there, leaning against the brick walkway, watching everyone party. We still didn't have our cameras or cell phones and were too far away to get them, so we just stood there and watched. We couldn't see very well, but once in awhile people would come to the edge of their balcony and we'd try to make out if it was anyone. William Mapother (Ethan) and some woman were looking out at us, we waved at him and he waved back. Then, Rebecca Mader (Charlotte) was there with a couple guys. Sure, we felt a little stupid, but I didn't care. Why shouldn't we stand there and stare?

On the ground to our left, we could also see the doorway that the actors were leaving the party from and getting into their cars. They had a little awning set up where about four big security guards were there for them when they were ready to leave. We watched Sonya Walger (Penny) leave with her date, and a few others of the characters like Rose and Ethan and Arzt. Titus Welliver (MIB) came out and went to a crowd of fans down at the end of the parking lot and signed things for fans down there. We were up top and had a really good view of the party's balcony, so I didn't want to leave that spot. But then Jorge Garcia (Hurley) came out with his girlfriend (Bethany AKA Sidekick22..they do blogs and podcasts together.) Jorge went down to the fans and signed for the whole row of them. So we ran down the flights of stairs and joined the end of the line and shook his hand as he went down the row. He looked pretty exhausted and his girlfriend was waiting in the car. They seemed really nice and it was cool of them to do that for their fans. Titus signed for about half the line of people and he left. Then we ran back up to our spot by the party. We were the only ones that were standing there, most everyone else was down by the parking lot, hoping to get autographs.

Then we saw Josh Holloway (Sawyer) come down to leave. I am not a huge Sawyer fan, but I have to admit, it is crazy to see him in person. He has the whitest teeth and is really tan and definitely brings the star-struck. When he came down to where the security guards were, he was met with the screaming of the fans waiting across the parking lot. He then walked back up the stairs into this garage waiting area so that they could get his car ready. The opening to the garage is smack-dab across from where we were standing up there on the walkway. The fans across the way couldn't see in, but since we were up so high and the loading dock gate was lifted, we had the only view. He clearly thought that nobody could see him and that he was safe to just stand there and wait. So then Francis yells out "JOSH!" He sorta jumped and looked up at us, smiled and waved, and then snuck back around the corner. We were freaking out, we got our own personal waves from Sawyer! It was hilarious and amazing.

I don't even know how long we stood in that spot watching the party. Since we didn't have our cell phones we didn't even know what time it was. But I didn't want to leave and kept telling Francis that we should just keep standing there. I kept joking about how since we couldn't be up there, we should just have our own party. They provided the DJ, and we were there pretending. Eventually, someone would see that we had been standing there all night, and they would pity us and let us in. Wow. I can't believe how right I'd been!

We stood there watching and a guy came by and stood next to us. A lot of people had been walking by with leis so we knew that had been to the party, but we didn't know who they were. They probably could have been friends of the musicians or somehow affiliated with ABC. The guy asked us if we had been up there or if we were just watching. I said, "Oh, no. We've just been pretending." So he takes his lei off and puts it around my neck and says something like "Well, here. You can have a lei too." I thanked him and he left and this older couple comes up, they have leis on too and she says something like "You know, we have this one wristband here. You can get up there with this. We just have the one, though, because he can't get his off!" The man was standing there trying so hard to get his wristband off for us. We were like, "Are you serious??" And she said "Yeah, and since you have the lei you just walk right through past the guys and they'll wave you in with the wristbands. They won't even notice, trust me." The man said, "There's an open bar!" as he stood there for a good couple minutes, struggling to get his band off. And finally he did! Francis and I were in a state of shock and not even sure if it would work, but we couldn't believe it was actually happening. Whoever that couple was, we are so grateful to them. I wish we knew so that we could thank them!

So we started walking up toward the entrance, trying to act nonchalant. Since I had the lei, we were dressed up, and we had the wristbands, nobody even looked twice at us. After getting the courage we finally opened the doors and waltzed past the little security table. That's when it really hit me that we were going to be mingling with some of the actors from Lost! This huge suite/room was gorgeous, with the open bar and round tables around with candles lit. The outside balcony had a gorgeous view and space heaters and the DJ was still out there. I noticed Henry Ian Cusick (Desmond) right away, he was right near the entrance hallway. He was with his wife and talking to some people. We got up the nerve to introduce ourselves and shake his hand! He was super nice and he said "Nice to meet you Clonnie." LOL. I don't care what he calls me! So we went mingling around the room some more. Daniel Dae Kim (Jin) was there with his wife, Nestor Carbonell (Richard), Michael Emerson (Ben), Carlton and Damon were all chatting with people. Then we got courage to introduce ourselves to Jeremy Davies (Daniel Faraday) and he was so cool! We actually had a conversation with him about his bobble head. I can't believe we chatted with Faraday (AKA Timothy Upham from Saving Private Ryan). Paul Scheer, comedian was there. Also, Martin Starr from Freaks and Geeks and Knocked up was standing right next to me.

For most of the party we were just standing there against the wall, only feet away from these people who we are so in awe of. It was incredible. We were trying not to stare and act too obsessed but it was really hard to try and act natural. When me and Francis were leaning against the wall, the FUNNIEST thing happened that probably made my night more than anything. It sounds really dorky but I swear it happened. I was standing to the left of the bar and Francis was next to me on my left. We were talking about something and I looked over to see Henry Ian Cusick walking by us, away from the bar. I caught him RIGHT in the middle of him checking me out! No joke, he was doing the up and down walk-by checkout. After he walked by I turned to Francis and said, "DID that seriously just happen right now???" And he saw it too and was like, "WOW. It did." Haha! It was completely mindless and unconscious but I'll never forget that. Desmond checked me out.

Then, Emilie de Ravin (Claire) shows up! She wasn't at the event but came to the party, she was dressed really casual with a cute black knit beanie. She is so tiny in person, I couldn't believe it. She had these huge heels on and still probably was only 5'4. I figured since she seemed really low key maybe she didn't want to be bothered, but Francis encouraged me to meet her. We introduced ourselves and shook her hand, she was so sweet. I'm so glad we did, she has been one of my favorite characters from Season One.

After the party had died down a little bit and we had met everyone, we left. And I am still in disbelief that we experienced that. To all my friends that love Lost too..I wish you could have been there with us. Even this aricle article called the afterparty "top-secret." I don't think there was even any media there to capture it. And since we weren't able to have cells or cameras for the event and we were parked miles away, we couldn't take any photos either :(. I really wish we had, but we couldn't do anything about it. I just can't believe it happened. And it's all because those two amazing people gave us their wristbands! ANGELS!! :D And because we stood out for hours in the cold, wishing we could be up there.

www.thewrap.com/ind-column/abcs-lost-live-final-celebration-17373

Changes

I think I'm going to change the direction of this blog. It has little direction anyway, since I haven't written in it in months, but I just don't want there to be any "rules" attached to it anymore. I wanted to review books, and I still will, but I want also for this to be my primary blog. That said, help! Am I technology illiterate? I can't seem to really grasp the layout of this website. I guess I've been spoiled with LiveJournal in the past. The way my blog looks stinks, big-time. I need some life up in here. I hope I can poke around and figure some of this stuff out. I want to be blog savvy.

Today, after much frustration, I finally signed up for classes for summer. I'm really excited to get going, to be investing in my future again. The status quo wasn't cutting it. The status quo being me working at a dead end job and hating every minute of it. I'm glad about it though. I'll never have any doubts that I can put up with the worse stuff there is, be a hard worker through and through. I've proved that I can work my way up, I'm almost 22 now and I am excited to get going with what I really want to do. Whatever that is!

I just wish I could read for a living. Isn't there someone out there who would pay me to just read? I can be a fiction book editor. Or I would love to be a book reviewer. Would I hate doing it? It's that fine line between loving something and then when doing what you love becomes work. It's very confusing.

In a perfect world, I could write novels and support myself. In another perfect world, I could learn Mandarin and be a translator somewhere, and write books on the side. But lately, getting a dose of this shaky economy, I've learned that I've got to think practical. So begins my quest for the practical field of work that won't drive me crazy and won't kill my creativity. Meanwhile, I'm going to be a little less hard on myself. I live in a very competitive part of the country and I don't have to be everything that everyone else is. I have to stay true and stay focused.

Life as an Obstacle Course

This has been “one of those months” for me. In fact, the past year hasn’t been much of a cakewalk and I know a lot of people are in the same boat. There are so many things in my life to be happy about. I could list ten things on the spot that bring me joy and make me feel so blessed and thankful. I could name ten things on God’s green Earth alone that we can all be thankful for. But there are just those moments when I feel like I have the worst luck in the world. Is it luck? Not really…it’s just life. Life is one big rollercoaster of ups and downs: moments that are complete gifts and moments of great struggle. Life is bipolar. Life is funny and silly and gravely serious all at the same time.

I went to start my car last night and it wouldn’t start. I’m praying it’s something minor and it’s not done for good. It’s not the first time this car has failed me, so I shouldn’t be surprised at this. And I wasn’t. I feel like these types of things don’t surprise me anymore. And I don’t mean that in the “FML / woe is me!” sort of way, but more in the vein of “everything happens for a reason / what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” For instance, I was laid off my job three weeks ago (it could be argued that it was 100% a BLESSING) and I was surprised but not unnerved. I’m not claiming to be super strong and infallible because that’s not the case; It’s more of a numb-yet-aware sort of feeling. It’s like I am taking it all in almost from an outsider’s perspective so as to buffer the reality of it.

It reminds me of the movie Garden State. Zach Braff’s character is on so many pills he can’t even feel anything anymore. Life is happening all around him but it still doesn’t hit home for him. I’m not on any pills and I haven’t suffered the kinds of things that his character does, thank God, but I can relate to the feeling. Sometimes I feel like I am outside myself, only looking in at the things that are happening. This sounds very somber a comparison but when things get ugly, it’s difficult to absorb it all at once. When the character in Garden State gets the Lithium out of his system, (did ANYONE ELSE wonder why he didn’t suffer from serious withdrawals?) he can finally feel again and confront the things he wasn’t facing before. It’s necessary to enjoy a little separation from your troubles when you’ve got them, but life is too short to be numb and emotionless. As the cheesy-but-true quote goes: “I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all…”

Sometimes I wonder if I just have a major case of denial. But I don’t want to ignore negativity in my life, I just want to find the good in the struggles I have to face. It’s a manifestation of being an introspective person. And I know this world is so much bigger than me and my problems. Besides, what could I possibly learn from a life with no hiccups? How can I become the best person I can be if everything runs as planned? I like a life with surprises and detours and experiences. And if something comes my way that I feel like I can’t conquer, I just have to remind myself that it happened to show me that I can, indeed, get past it, move on and be the better for it.

“I have told you all these things so you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and struggles. But take heart! For I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33 NLT

You Are What You Read

What do the books we read say about us? It seems to make sense that our favorite and most beloved books would define us in some way. It may be that we see some of ourselves in the characters. The writing style speaks to us. It might be an adventure that we wish we could be a part of. More simply, it might just be that we like it. Because don’t the things we like say something about the things that we are?

Many of the things I like are things that I aspire to be, I want to emulate the good things that make me happy. But sometimes the things we like are things so far outside and beyond ourselves, we can only express our fondness and appreciation from a spectator’s point of view. One might say they enjoyed something very much but it in no way represented who they are. Am I enjoying this because it takes the freedoms that I do not take in my own life? Are these things I wish I could be, but I don’t have the courage?

It is also very common that people hate the things they see inside themselves. Herman Hesse said “If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is a part of yourself. What isn’t part of ourselves doesn’t disturb us.”
Could this be taken into consideration in this discussion? Quite possibly, one might put a book down because the character reminds them of the unflattering qualities that they themselves possess. Of course, one might avoid a book altogether if it focuses on subject matter that they don’t like. From a writer’s perspective, I have read books that I absolutely hated because of the poor writing, the sentence structure, the repetition of words. It reminded me of my own failures in the past, the mistakes I often make in writing, the obstacles that I have to overcome to be better.

There are so many things in this life that influence us, we couldn’t possibly count them all. The books I read, nonfiction and fiction alike, influence my mood, they change what I am thinking about from day-to-day, and they remind me of what is important to me. When I was reading (and loving) Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar, I was an emotional wreck. I would lay in bed at night, unable to sleep. It’s amazing what books can teach us and make us feel. More than what the books we read say about us, it is how the books we read shape us that is important. We learn, we absorb, we relate. Among the first books I ever read were The Chronicles of Narnia. I carry those stories and those characters around with me always. I think we take a piece of what we love and add it to ourselves, whether it be books, movies, plays, poems. All of us have a portfolio to fill with the things we enjoy, the beautiful things that we want our lives to include.

I am in an interesting part of my life right now. I feel like I am in a constant struggle between childhood and adulthood. I want to keep my youthful spirit but I’m afraid it is being smothered by the stresses of adult life that we all have to face. I just finished Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass. I can’t think of a better book to chronicle the innocence and beauty of childhood and a child’s imagination. I’m now reading Orwell’s 1984 for the first time: a horrifying look at the “future” in an oppressed world. “Big Brother is Watching You.” Who knows if the future will resemble the world portrayed in this book, and has it begun already? But could anything be further from lovely Wonderland life, where anything is possible?

In a world that seems to be changing so quickly, I am trying to find balance in my own life. Some days I can only think of all the negative and scary things, when there is so much good and so much beauty. Books can make you think, they can make you reflect, or they can make you forget for just enough time to find peace in your life. Whether or not someone may be able to get a clear picture of who I am based on what I read is an interesting notion. But one thing is for sure from my own experience: Books always help me back to where I need to be.